This morning, I woke up feeling as though I am starring in “The Emperor’s New Clothes.” I cannot watch one more broadcast honoring “the great man,” Michael Jackson. Great musician and dancer, sure…but a great man?

Today, I plan to hang a baby over a balcony, sleep in a bed with a few little boys, and pay their families $23 million in order to make them go away. I’ll also wrap the faces of all the children in my neighborhood in scarves…should I go on?

I repeat, YES, he was a great talent. But so were The Beatles, Sinatra, Judy Garland, Miles Davis, and Elvis to name a few. I just don’t get how we have turned a strange alleged child molester into a tragic hero. What do you tell your children? “Be nice to the weird man next door who gives you a glass of merlot and shows you his pee-pee?" I guess it’s men like him who make America great.

P.S. Where were all these doting “fans” and news reporters who didn’t support Michael when he was alive, to the point where he had to flee to Dubai?

I’m very sorry about the recent deaths of Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett.

Even though I would never have allowed my grandson to be in a room alone with him, Michael was an enormous talent.  I was a huge fan of his work and I’m saying a prayer for his children.

As for Farrah, I only met her once when we did an infomercial together, years ago. Unfortunately, at that time, she seemed spacey and drugged out.  But she certainly redeemed herself in my (and everyone’s!) eyes with her brave and courageous battle against cancer.

God! When you look at those 1970s posters of Farrah, she was beautiful!!

(Is it too early for a joke?)

And when you look at those 1970s posters of Michael, he was black!! (Too soon?)

When Ed McMahon died yesterday, we lost a true gentleman and a trailblazer. Ed was the first and greatest of the late-night “second men.” He introduced and bantered with Johnny (and his guests) on The Tonight Show for more than 30 years.

What many of you probably don’t know is that Ed first worked with Johnny as the announcer for a game show called “Do You Trust Your Wife?” from 1957 until he went with Carson to The Tonight Show in 1962.  He sat on that couch next to Johnny until he retired in 1992. Ed also hosted “Star Search,” co-hosted “TV's Bloopers and Practical Jokes” with Dick Clark, and was a spokesman for a number of products.

Despite Ed's wonderful career, he will be most remembered for a line he originated, said every night and embedded in the American vernacular: "Heeeeeres Johnny!" (Even Nicholson’s bad guy in "The Shining" turned Ed’s phrase into pure evil.)

Ed was a good man with whom I was privileged to work for many years, and I think he had a good life. It speaks volumes for Ed’s character that when he filed for bankruptcy, an anonymous man bought his home and allowed Ed and his wife to lease it, live there and retain their dignity. For so many reasons, Ed will be missed. 

The answer to that is everywhere. Hello blogites. I know that my attendance record regarding the blog has been spottier than my chest, but I have a much better reason than "the dog ate my homework". Since Celebrity Apprentice ended last month I've been busier than Angelina Jolie's adoption agency.

Are your seatbelts fastened? Here is a sampling of my life in the last few weeks… Z Rock started its second season on IFC this past Sunday featuring yours truly in her recurring role as "Aunt Joan" (a name I'm not used to hearing unless "can you loan me…" follows), I've been to San Francisco and Reno doing standup, I've been traveling the country taping my new series How'd You Get So Rich for TV Land  (it premieres on TVLand on August 6^th at 9pm), I performed five sold out shows in London at the Southbank Center's Underbelly Festival—inside an upside-down inflated purple cow  —and, finally, I just finished my big June shows on QVC two weekends ago and then jetted off to London for a week!

Just typing this made me want to go into a coma, so imagine living it! I've missed you all and it's great to be back!

I’m thrilled, Thrilled, THRILLED to tell you that my new show, “How’d You Get So Rich?” is just around the corner!!!! It premieres this August on TV Land, so check your local listings for times and channel.

You can also click here to read about the show and watch a clip!

The premise for the show came to me while I was on the road and driving through neighborhoods across America. Suddenly there would be a humungous mansion and I’d ask, “Who the hell lives there? How’d they get so rich!?” And then I’d wonder, “Is it a single, Jewish man?”

“How’d You Get So Rich?” goes inside the doors of these opulent homes where we meet real go-getter Americans who have made their fortunes doing some incredible things. Tune in to TV Land this August and see how they got so rich!