1)       If you are planning to kill yourself by jumping off a building, make sure you go to a high enough floor—fourth or under may not make a big enough SPLAT to kill you.

2)       Check who is below you. If you land on a fat person (Kirstie Alley or Kathy Bates)  you may bounce right off and end up alive and embarrassed.

3)       Make sure you leave your jewelry behind. Your heirs will hate you forever if you smash a perfectly good Rolex.

I’ll be growing my own vegetables in a “Depression Garden” in my dining room. If I leave my windows open and have the floors well-mulched, I think I can get a really good crop rotation going.

Year one: Corn. It’s simple to grow and the color will match my host and hostess chairs.

Year two: TATERS!  They kept three million Irish alive in the early 1800s, so they can certainly feed a couple of Jews and two dogs.

Year three: Who gives a shit…I’ll be dead of starvation at that point.

The only downside to my plan is that I’m scared the chickens I am going to keep in the living room will eat up all my seeds. Also, how do you say to your housekeeper, “How stupid do I look? Yes I’m tired from begging all day, but I still noticed that my radishes haven’t been dusted in a week.”

In 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue.  And I was there to wave him off at the dock.

This holiday is very close to my heart as I have always adored Italian men.  They truly love women and they go for anything. They figure, if it walks and talks, give it a pinch.

I know three Italian men who each broke two fingers trying to grab the Statue of Liberty’s ass.  Even Mother Teresa was once sexually harassed on her final visit to Florence.

I can’t wait to watch the vice-presidential debate on TV tonight. Now, I’m not saying Sarah Palin isn’t ready to go head-to-head against Joe Biden, but I think Dan Quayle has a better chance of winning a spelling bee.

Oh, and I just learned that the handbasket in which country’s economy is going to hell was outsourced and assembled by Guatemalan orphans.

I want to tell you about Valerie Frankel’s new memoir, Thin is the New Happy , which has just been published and is getting a lot of attention! I collaborated with Val for my upcoming book called Men are Stupid…and They Like Big Boobs: A Woman’s Guide to Beauty Through Plastic Surgery. (Look for it in December!)

But Val’s book about her life and times and diets is VERY funny, touching and fantastic! Any of you who have ever dieted (and who hasn’t?!) will enjoy reading about what she went through.

Also, Val will be interviewed by Entertainment Tonight, tonight, Wednesday, October 1^st, so tune in for that.

Great work, Val!!!