After two LONG months, and too many bangers and mash to count, I’m back from the UK! I’m so glad to be in New York City again where I can finally eat a salad and not worry that if I set my purse down in a restaurant, a British chef is going to batter and deep-fry it.

OK! So as you’ve probably noticed, I’ve been so busy with my travels that I haven’t had the chance to post blogs as often as I’d like…or to reply to your comments for that matter. I’m sorry about that. I said I’m sorry. You can stop screaming at me…. I’m Sorry!

Truly, I appreciate that you’ve kept reading and writing! So, as today is Rosh Hashanah , the Jewish New Year, I would like to announce a fresh start to the blog! Moving forward, I’ll be writing and posting more often and replying to your comments regularly.

Also, in keeping with the New Year’s spirit of generosity, tell me: what do you want to read about? And, in the same “spirit of generosity,” why not send me a dollar? (It’s only worth fifteen cents, anyway!)

On Wednesday night I saw the revival of A Man for All Seasons on Broadway, starring Frank Langella. 

I know that the play is an amazing one, but because I had just gotten off the plane from London and was still jet-lagged beyond belief, I must admit that I ended up nodding off during “Winter” and “Fall.”

Can anyone tell me, does Sir Thomas More make up with King Henry VIII?

The Queen of England – A set of “Diana Thimbles” from the Franklin Mint.

Paris Hilton – A camcorder and a Marriott loyalty card.

Sarah Palin – A copy of Darwin’s Origin of Species.

Any others you can think of?

Now that I’ve been in England and Scotland for the past six weeks doing my show, Joan Rivers: A Work in Progress by a Life in Progress, I’ve become keenly aware of the differences in their cuisines. And I’m siding with the English!

The English make no apologies for eating fatty foods. When you get a sandwich in London, the bacon is still oinking, the mayo is slathered on, and if there’s a surface or a vegetable in sight, it’s sugared and spiced.

A typical English breakfast is huge and consists of eating one of your neighbors, or if you live near the coast...a Frenchman. Lunch is a ploughman’s lunch: slab of cheese, meat, pickles and a hunk of bread. 

 God forbid you get a little peckish before dinner (pushing a plough, as we all know, burns calories, especially through the streets of London). Between meals you stop off and have afternoon tea. A typical English tea consists of finger sandwiches (the size of fists), scones with jam and clotted cream (for those who don’t know, it’s ordinary cream—the clotting comes later in your arteries), and petit fours—or in my case sixes and eights.

And then dinner, which must include mutton! I don’t know what kind of meat mutton is, but it was found in many of Jeffery Dahmer’s refrigerators. For dessert, and this is VERY IMPORTANT—Spotted Dick.  The reason dessert is essential is that eating it makes you so nauseous, you throw it all up.

The next president of the United States should put spotted dick on school menus to keep portly kids thin and trim while they learn to wait on the unemployment line.

I'm still here in London's West End performing my play, Joan Rivers: A Work in Progress by a Life in Progress, to standing ovations every night. If you're unfamiliar with where I'm doing the show, it's in a brand new theatre called the Leicester Square Theatre.

Since the front doors of the theatre open on to London's Chinatown, I've decided to rename my show. From now on, you will be coming to see Joan Rivers: A WOK in Progress by a Life in Progress.   And just like when you eat Chinese food, a half an hour after you see my show, you'll be ready to see it again!

Other fun things about my trip…the things Miss Rivers (or my parents) wouldn't want me to tell you about. One night I slept in a flat with a bunch of sideshow performers. These folks swallowed knives, breathed fire  and did interesting things with ping pong balls. It was like bunking with a gang of Thai hookers. 

I also saw a show starring a 12-foot woman (on stilts) and went to a “party” where the audience became the unwitting actors. Before I knew it, I was up on stage stripping down completely (sorry mom…don’t Google it).

Finally, I befriended a drag queen named Alexis who had a huge crush on Joan and me as well.  (In the end, neither of us was her type…sigh.) 

So, that's my story. And I can tell you that Joan is one of the nicest and most gracious people I’ve ever met. I'm SO HAPPY I got to know the person behind the legend, and whether this was just a case of being in the right place at the right time, I’ll never know. What I do know is that it changed my life. I will forever remember this summer: accompanying Joan to the Fringe, laughing along with her rants and raves and learning invaluable life lessons that I couldn’t possibly find in a textbook. 

As Joan says in her play: “Keep your fork! You haven’t had dessert yet and the best is yet to come.” As far as I’m concerned, I’m on my second helping, and I’m not nearly full yet.

THANKS JOAN!

“You’re coming to Scotland." WHAT!?! Scotland? With Joan Rivers?!? As soon as I stopped shrieking, I was on a plane to Edinburgh to be an assistant stage manager in the Fringe Festival (the largest theater festival in the world, I might add). My main job was to sit to the side of the stage and “prompt” Joan in case she skipped a line in the script. Sadly this meant I couldn’t drink myself silly on cheap Guinness  or scotch before the show. BOOOO!

But what an amazing trip. The country is beautiful! Medieval in a historically elegant kind of way—not in that bubonic plague kind of way.  During my three weeks, I took in the sights: I visited Arthur’s Seat, watched the military Tattoo with Joan, Melissa and Cooper, saw Edinburgh Castle and Holyroodhouse,  and toured Parliament and the Royal Mile to see where J.K. Rowling got her inspiration for Harry Potter.

And the theatre! It’s amazing how one city can become one big venue. Everywhere a performance—it’s easy to mistake the homeless as artists. The shows made me laugh, cry, and inspired me to produce, direct, and perform. It was entralling to be a part of it, especially with my passion for the arts. In the end, this was the best payment I could have gotten. God that’s corny…I make myself sick sometimes!