I have come to hate the English and I’m so glad we won the War of Independence. Four of us are stuck in a compact Mini and if I hear one more time, “Look how little petrol this uses,” followed by, “and if we didn’t have all of your baggage and parcels on the roof, Missy Joan, we’d be using even less petrol,” I’m going to kick someone in the kippers. We stopped at a poor, white trash gas station and I thought it was going to turn into a scene from “Deliverance” when my two English friends - in their fucking Rugby shirts - tried to explain to a toothless, redneck, hillbilly that they thought something was wrong with both the bonnet and the boot and that the bumper seemed to have a dent in it.

Try feeding two Englishmen in Florida, “Look,” I say, “There is a Popeye’s. Yum. Yum.” Their answer was simply, “We don’t eat spinach in the U.K.” Then go into a Dunkin' Donuts where everyone is wearing a hard hat (except for the waitress, Gladys, who is wearing a hankie done up as a rose) and ask for, “Two take-away Earl Gray teas, please, and a cucumber sandwich without the crust.” This is not an easy trip.

We are on our way to visit the artists Robert Rauschenberg and Darryl Pottorf and I think by the time we get there the car will have turned into a piece of bloody Pop Art. More later.

Today I am driving across the state of Florida to visit some friends on the West Coast before my gig at Ruth Eckerd Hall in Clearwater on Friday. I must say Florida is a romantic’s gold mine if you like ‘em incontinent, infirm or in Formaldehyde.

There are many unusual sights along the highways and byways of the Sunshine State, for instance, I saw a McDonald’s that had orthopedic arches, I drove past a KKK rally, but they were all wearing rubber sheets and on one highway I overtook a long line of senior bikers who were wearing leather jackets that said “Hell’s Aged” on the back and their tattoos were in hieroglyphics.

The thing that frightens me the most and really drives home that I too am getting old is that I’m in Florida, and I’m having fun!

I am taking a few days break from my play and doing a quick comedy tour of Florida. I am appearing at the King Center for the Performing Arts in Melbourne tonight,

Friday night I will be at Ruth Eckerd Hall in Clearwater and Sunday & Monday nights I will be appearing at the Seminole Hard Rock Casino in Hollywood.

If you are near any of these places, come on out and laugh with Don Rickles and me.

Last night I got off stage at the Geffen Playhouse in LA and raced to the airport to make a Red Eye that would get me into Orlando this morning. I kept thinking that a few days in the warm Florida sunshine would be just the kind of relaxing break I needed, but when I landed in Orlando it was so cold that I immediately went to Disney World to ski a few runs down Space Mountain.

Florida is hilarious in cold weather because none of the cotton tops down here are prepared for it, so everywhere you go it is Grandma and Grandpopcicles. I am being very careful when in public places because chattering dentures, if they break loose, can be extremely dangerous.  

Orin Lehman.  1920 - 2008 *

* One of the three great men in my life.

We're back! 

Couldn't wait for you to read this.

JOAN AND MELISSA RIVERS BRING THEIR FAMED OSCAR RED CARPET COVERAGE TO AOL’S STYLELIST.COM

 Los Angeles, CA and New York, NY – February 22, 2008 – The queens of the red carpet will bring their signature Oscar commentary exclusively to AOL’s StyleList.com, (www.stylelist.com), for the 80th Annual Academy Awards. Beginning Monday morning, no-holds-barred red carpet recap video will be available at (www.stylelist.com),  featuring Joan and Melissa Rivers as they dish on the good, the bad and the ugly of Oscar night. They will also crown their choice for best and worst dressed. 

For the first time ever, the women who founded the red carpet phenomenon bring their commentary online to better engage the audience with multiple interactive components. Visitors to StyleList.com will be able to comment on the night’s fashions and videos and test their Oscar knowledge with a quiz on past fashion moments. Photos of the iconic Oscar dresses of the past 50 years, style predictions and photos from this year’s red carpet will also accompany the videos.  

“Joan and Melissa are icons of red carpet style and commentary and we’re thrilled they have decided to bring their spirited opinions directly to our online community,” said Laura Eisman, Editorial Director for StyleList.com. “StyleList.com’s interactive format puts fans in the action, allowing them to join the discussion of the hits and misses of Academy Awards fashion.”

 “We are absolutely thrilled that AOL has taken the initiative to give viewers a choice of not only watching, but being an integral part of our coverage,” said comedienne Joan Rivers. “The Internet super highway is now covered in red carpet.”

Last Wednesday we opened at the Geffen Playhouse and the audiences out here are wonderful, but now I am thinking, “What next?”

Never mind Californ-I-A, it should have been called Californ-exercise-I-A. Everybody – and I mean everybody – out here does it. Exercise is all that they think about. Even when you go into a restaurant, the forks and knives are weighted.
 

I find that different groups exercise in different ways, for example:
The JAPS keep their weight down playing catch…the credit cards, the older women spend at least 10 minutes each day bending over and touching their sagging boobs and the biggest exercise craze going on is when major Hollywood stars meet each Sunday to compete against each other in a fifty yard dash.

Unfortunately the same two people keep winning week after week after week, Barbra Streisand and Celine Dion. They both keep nosing out the competition.
 
What am I going to tell you? Even in this atmosphere I still find that I am a lazy slug; I even shop in the pre-chewed section of the supermarket. I have made up my mind that the only way I am going to end up with a hard body is when my skin starts to petrify.

Joan Rivers funnier than ever in new show

Thursday, February 14
By Jay Reiner

LOS ANGELES (Hollywood Reporter) - A trip into the adventurous psyche of Joan Rivers can feel like a trip down memory lane on the Titanic -- with one important difference: Rivers is a survivor.

In her very personal new show, "Joan Rivers: A Work in Progress by a Life in Progress," she answers her own favorite question -- Can we talk? -- by speaking mostly from the heart.

Not to worry, the snarky wit and scorching tongue are still around for decoration. If anything, this might be the funniest show Rivers has ever put together. But it's also the most searching and revealing. Rivers takes us into areas she's only skimmed before, and she does it with the skill and audacity we've come to expect of her.

The setup is that Rivers is about to host another red-carpet awards show, daughter Melissa has been given the star dressing room, and Joan's complimentary cheese plate (Laughing Cow instead of Camembert or Brie) is less than stellar -- a sure sign, she notes, that trouble is brewing. To add to her problems, Rivers is stuck with two new, less-than-perfect assistants, Kenny (Adam Kulbersh) and Svetlana (Emily Kosloski), the latter a Russian with a heavy accent. This allows Rivers to give Svetlana amusing advice on how to make it in showbiz, especially if you're a woman ("One hair from a pussy can pull a freight train."). When Kenny ruins her dressing choices, that becomes a problem too.               

All of this becomes a way for Rivers to address the audience directly from time to time and begin to rummage through her life. After five decades in show business, the topics fly by -- some familiar, some not. The famous breakup with Johnny Carson is there, her husband's suicide, various feuds and firings, several backstabs, sidesteps and full frontal calamities. You may think you've heard it all before, but you'd be wrong. Personal details are added to give a more complete picture of what we thought we knew.

Other subjects arise: aging, cosmetic surgery, sex over 60, fake orgasms, the connection between 36-hour erections and the recent Malibu fire. Rivers even gives us a sample of her first comedy routine, complete with an ancient dieting joke about Mamie Eisenhower, Tab Hunter and Shelley Winters.

Stories and anecdotes are priceless: how Joan got the queen of England to laugh (sort of), how to pronounce "Lana Turner" (lots of tongue), how to kiss asses in showbiz (many ways). How legendary cinematographer Lucien Ballard ruined her film directorial bow is put on the record. This wound and other slights are vividly remembered.

After finally being fired by an obnoxious new network executive (Tara Joyce) because she no longer fits the age demographic, Rivers manages to turn matters around one more time. A theme emerges through the laughter and pain: Her life is far from over. "I haven't peaked yet," Rivers tells us with conviction. A line from a warm family story she's told pops up again: "Keep your fork," meaning the best (dessert) is yet to be. 

Forget the Titanic. If the show is any indication, Rivers is plowing straight ahead, damn the torpedoes and the icebergs. To tell the real truth, she loves performing, and she loves the challenge. Bart DeLorenzo directs.

WE’VE OPENED!!!! 

There were 95 critics in the audience last night -95!!! (God only knows from how far away). Anyway, Friday the reviews will start to come out, so I’ll keep you posted.

Highlight of the opening night? My grandson, Cooper, brought flowers out to me on my final bow!!! The audience LOVED it so much that we are going to hire a midget to do this every night.

There were lots of flowers, lots of candy, lots of cheese plates and lots of messages of good luck - all terrific.

Want to hear something really great???? Kim Novak sent me good luck wishes and several pictures of her horses.  How DIVINE is that? Somewhere inside of me there is a gay man dancing.

Nervous, nervous, nervous; I spent last night semi-sleeping and got up to eat leftovers. I finally got out of bed, got dressed and was off to Cooper’s school where his class was having a St. Valentine’s Day French song fest. I picked up Melissa and when we arrived at the school, we actually got good seats. When Cooper and his class came on stage, I just lost it.

Waves and whistles. There are no rules when you are a grandmother. The kids were adorable and Cooper closed the show and he spoke in a loud, clear, full-out voice. I was thrilled – no stage fright. I dropped Melissa off and then went to shop for pears and toilet paper.

The stakes are, if I do well tonight it will be all over LA and casting agents and directors will remember that I am still around. If I don’t do well – well - then I’ll be totally out of this town, so I just ignore this.

I then headed home to go over my lines, washed my hair and started to get into hair & makeup, all the while eating ice cream sandwiches, one Bosch pear, one Reece’s Pieces, half a chocolate chip cookie and it’s only Noon.

Flowers started arriving. A gorgeous vase of lilies, some pink roses, a stunning French bouquet …my apartment smells divinely.

More to come.

It is one day before my play opens at the Geffen Playhouse and everyone is soooo nervous. There was a really great article about us in the Los Angeles Times Entertainment Section on Sunday, which made us all feel good, but now all we are focused on are reviews, reviews, reviews. The two other actresses in the show are a bundle of nerves and are losing weight. I, on the other hand, react differently when I’m nervous and I am eating everything that doesn’t try to eat me first. I never realized before just how delicious a Snickers wrapper is.

The cast no longer finds me funny. We (unfortunately) had to replace one of the actresses last week as the play took a different turn. Now when I come onstage and whisper to the other actors in the cast, “You’re next,” they don’t giggle.

I got my first opening night gift from our director, Bart De Lorenzo. It is a gorgeous arrangement of poison ivy, poison sumac and poison oak with a diamond bracelet in the center. The card reads, “Dear Joan – Working with you has been a real challenge, so here’s a challenge for you. Hope you scratch yourself to death, bitch!”

Last night I was interviewed by The Insider in a segment called the "Lie Detector Test."I had a lot of fun doing it, so I thought that I would share it with those of you who may have missed it (or those of you who are deaf and simply couldn’t hear what the hell I was saying).

   The Insider
LIE DETECTOR TEST

1) Are you ready to tell the truth?

• Is Britney Spears ready for Bellevue?

2) Are you nervous about being hooked up to a lie detector?

• Only if you’re going to ask for my real age.

3) How does it feel?

• Cold and uncomfortable.  Just like my wedding night.

4) Did you just have a secret facelift?

• Yes.  I’m entering the Burt Reynolds look-like contest.

5) Do you think you have gone too far with plastic surgery?

• Sorry, I didn’t hear you.  My ears are now behind my head.

6) Have you ever stolen another comedian's joke?

• Yes.  And it was just as unfunny when I told it.

7) Have you ever slammed a star on the
Red Carpet because you were jealous?

• Yes.  Why can’t I have a pretty wife like Rosie?

8) Would you ever wear your own QVC jewelry to a Red     Carpet event?

• Wear?  Sweetheart, I sell it on the Red Carpet.

9) Are you a bad tipper?

• The worst.  At a bachelorette party, I once slipped an I.O.U note down a Chippendale’s G-string.

10) Is it true that your grandson isn't allowed to call you "grandma"?

• That’s a tabloid rumor.  What I actually told him was, “Stop calling me grandpappy”.

11) Have you ever had a crush on one of your daughter's boyfriends?

• Yes, and when the guy found out he switched to men.

12) Do you regret not making peace with Johnny Carson before he died?

• I didn’t even know the man was dead.  Am I in the will?

(Continued from previous "Schmuck" blog.)

The foundation has already raised more than $20 million, thanks to donations from supporters such as Jackie Mason, Albert Brooks, the Schtupp Institute, Sen. Russ Feingold (D-WI), and the Henny Youngman Endowment for the Preservation of Schmekel. The money will go toward projects aimed at reintegrating "schmuck" into the English lexicon, including billboards and flyers plastered with the word "schmuck," the upcoming 5K Schlep for Schmuck Awareness, and a new Mel Brooks film.
"The world cannot afford to lose this valuable and versatile word," Brooks told reporters during a charity auction in Manhattan's Upper West Side Tuesday, where attendees bid for the chance to have a private lunch with Brooks and repeatedly call him a schmuck. "You can be a poor schmuck, a lazy schmuck, a dumb schmuck, or just a plain old schmuck. A group of people can be collectively referred to as schmucks. You can call someone a schmuck, and you can be called a schmuck. You can even call yourself a schmuck."

"Plus, it's just so fun to say," Brooks added. "Schmuck."

Many of the foundation's volunteers say they share Brooks' passion for the word "schmuck," as well as his outrage that it is slowly disappearing from everyday use. They claim that if they do not act now, the trend could create a snowball effect.
"Today it's schmuck, tomorrow it might be toochis," said SFS volunteer Harry Steinbergmann, 82. "What's next, schlemiel? Putz? Schlimazel?"

Steinbergmann went on to classify this scenario as farcockteh.

Brooks will be appearing at Brooklyn's Francis Scott Key Junior High on Nov. 12 to give an informal lecture about his experiences using the word "schmuck," and build grassroots support among a key group of young Americans by explaining that "schmuck" is a Yiddish term for the foreskin on the head of a penis. In addition, he has hinted at the possibility of a reunion with longtime comedy partner Gene Wilder, during which the two will call each other schmucks.

A friend of mine sent this to me in an e-mail and I think that it is hilarious, so I wanted to share it with you.  (It originally appeared in "The Onion.")

Mel Brooks Starts Nonprofit Foundation To Save Word 'Schmuck'

 November 2, 2007

NEW YORK-Saying he could no longer stand idly by while a vital part of American culture is lost forever, activist and Broadway producer Mel Brooks has founded a private nonprofit organization dedicated to preserving the word "schmuck."

An emotional Brooks stopped short of kvetching at a schmuck fundraiser Monday.

"Schmuck is dying," a sober Brooks said during a 2,000-person rally held in his hometown of Williamsburg, Brooklyn Monday. "For many of us, saying 'schmuck' is a way of life. Yet when I walk down the street and see people behaving in foolish, pathetic, or otherwise schmucky ways, I hear only the words 'prick' and 'douche bag.' I just shake my head and think, 'I don't want to live in a world like this.'"

The nonprofit, Schmucks For Schmuck, has compiled schmuck-related data from the past 80 years and conducted its own independent research on contemporary "schmuck" usage. According to Brooks, the statistics are frightening: Utterances of the word "schmuck" have declined every year since its peak in 1951, and in 2006, the word was spoken a mere 28 times-17 of these times by Brooks himself. The study indicates that today, when faced with a situation in which one can use a targeted or self-deprecating insult to convey a general feeling of disgust, people are 50 times more likely to use the word "jerk" than "schmuck," 100 times more likely to use "dick," and 15,000 times more likely to use "fucking asshole."

Perhaps more startling, only 23 percent of men know what schmuck means, and only 1.2 percent of these men are under the age of 78. If such trends continue, Brooks estimates that by 2011, such lesser-used terms as "imbecile," "dummy," "schlub," and "contemptible ne'er-do-well" will all surpass schmuck, which is projected to completely disappear by the year 2020 or whenever Brooks dies.

"We must save this word!" Brooks said to thunderous applause as those in attendance began chanting "Schmuck! Schmuck! Schmuck!" "How will we be able to charmingly describe someone who acts in an inappropriate manner? Especially given the tragic loss of the word 'schmegeggie' in 2001. So I urge you: Tonight, when you get home, please, call up your family, your friends, your loved ones, and tell them they're a bunch of schmucks."

Hundreds turned out at a Boca Raton, FL demonstration to show their support for the dying word.

"I've never told anyone this before," Brooks added, choking back tears, "but my father was a schmuck."

 (To be continued....)

Thank you all so much for your e-mails and notes (and especially the Candygrams) during Lulu's ordeal with her leg.  She is doing soooooooo well and is truly an amazing dog. I went through your e-mails and pulled a few at random to post as a blog.   Again, thank you for your good thoughts, prayers and humor.  It really helped me and I know it helped Lulu.

Comments excerpted from "Milk Bones of Wrath" blog.

Rhoda wrote: Lulu, like Mary Tyler Moore, is going to make it after all!!!! Amen!

Bob Concillio wrote: Is Shirley MacLaine wondering if she is a bitch in this life?  I'll go "Out on a Limb" and say: "Anything is probable."

Steve at Swarovski wrote: For a little pup, I can tell she is a fighter...after all, she has put up with you, Joan!  Even more so, since she may have a little hing of Boxer in her..."Lulu...put up your dukes...all three of them!"

Shirley MacLaine wrote: Lulu is going to make it!!! I know it!  I feel it.  In fact I was Lulu in a past life...or am I her in this life?

Comments excerpted from "My Dog Lulu" blog.

Jacqui wrote: One of my dogs had this, too.  You will be surprised at how well she'll cope and how quickly she'll heal.  My thoughts are with you.  Love and best wishes from England.

Stacy Doby wrote: Joan darling, Lulu will surprise the hell out of you. Who ever said 4 legs are better than 3?! Lulu will still bounce, run and be the star she always has been.  My prayers are with you both.

Joe Posa wrote: I will say a Prayer for Your Sweet Lulu.

Comments excerpted from "Lulu is Coming Home Tomorrow" blog.

Animal Lover wrote: Great News!  We are all pullin' for that little tri-pod...

Joe Agnew wrote: Liz Taylor wants to know what they are going to do with the leg.  She's hungrier than hell.

Comments excerpted from "Latest Lulu Update" blog.

Liz wrote: I'm so happy to know that Lulu is doing this well. Love ya, Joan, yesterday, today, and forver.  Your humor made me laugh during so many tough times in my own life...

C in Eire wrote: Lulu is a beauty ;-) and a winner :-)...truely a beautiful winner.  Loving ye, Joan & Lulu, with prayer. xxx

Andy in Oceanside wrote: Tripod will be bouncing back in no time.

Okay, you all got the pillow theft story on my flight to New York last week. Well, here is the returning to Los Angeles odyssey.    
          
I got to the plane a bit early and was happily ensconced in my seat when my seat mate showed up. He was a large, chubby guy and looked like a snorer. At the same time, a little, dainty princess of a stewardess arrived who was dead-heading back to LA free of charge. Fatso and I were in bulkhead and Little Miss Adorable batted her eyes and begged him to change seats with her as she would like to be upfront to help out the other flight attendants if they needed it. Chubby said fine and moved and, frankly, I was thrilled.             

We were about two hours out when, guess what I discovered? Peggy Perky was a nail and cuticle biter AND EATER. She was also a skin picker who laughed loudly at not so funny sitcoms (when was the last time you wept from laughter at The King of Queens?).  And the best part of all was that she had a bad cold. 

I turned around and looked back at my Plump Prince. His hands were neatly folded over his chest. He was sleeping as quietly as a baby and his seat mate was watching
TV totally relaxed.

I can never win on a plane.

For all those who did not think my Heath Ledger joke was funny...

 Heath Ledger would be alive today if the masseuse hadn’t called Mary-Kate Olsen. The five minutes that bitch needed to finish throwing up and get to the phone made the disastrous difference. Just think he’d still be alive if she weighed 150lbs.

Puke is on her, joke is on him.

Then, fine!  Come up with something better and send it to me.

 Lulu is doing amazingly well and pretty much back to herself (or at
least 3/4 of herself), so here is the last of the Lulu jokes for awhile:

                           

Ever since the amputation, Lulu's become popular with presidential
candidates.    This week, both Clinton and McCain asked if she'd like to
stump for them.