Speaking of Lindsay Lohan (see yesterday’s blog entry)…I was reading over the weekend in the New York Post about her latest trouble with drugs, alcohol and the police and thought to myself, “How proud her mother must be to have a daughter successful enough to be able to afford cocaine AND bottles of Cristal at Les Deux!"

 Plus, little L.L. (as I call her), is barely 20 and she is already rich enough to crack up a second Mercedes Benz and not worry about the cost.

I hate to say this, but I will…I am so disappointed in Melissa. At 20, the worst thing she did was climb out of a dormitory window in order to go to a late night fraternity party. She has a lot to learn!

With my birthday coming up, New York Magazine just interviewed me on my philosophy of life and what I have learned, and this is it:     

             Never accept a ride, no matter how short, from Lindsay Lohan.

Headline: Paris Hilton is going to jail. I saw a picture of Paris in the New York Post the other day and she was carrying a Bible! (obviously her P.R. machine is trying to crank out a demure, repentant Paris). I believe that prison will be her version of rehab and I have a lot of questions about what America’s favorite celebutante will find in the big house, such as:

Will her Chihuahua, Tinkerbell, be forced to do time along side her in a maximum-security kennel?

How will Nicole Richie be able to hide a file inside a diuretic?

How long till Paris’ conjugal visits end up as a DVD box set?

Will ultra-thin Paris look fat in horizontal stripes?

And, on a happy note, will Paris follow the example of so many other prisoners and finally earn her G.E.D. ?

I was thinking about just how charitable I am while Melissa and I were at the podium speaking at the National Osteoporosis Foundation Gala on Tuesday night.

I have said it before (May 17th blog) and I’ll say it again: I hate to brag, but I am becoming one of the most charitable people in the United States. Here are a few more charities that I am supporting (so f*#k you, Bono).

I am now doing a lot of work for the Children’s Miracle Whip Network. I will not rest until every child has all the mayonnaise he or she needs.

I give to the United Negro Collage Fund. They brilliantly help any young, African-Americans who are interested in Arts and Crafts.

And, finally, I support UNICHEF, which is a charity where kids trick or treat for money so that poor cooks can get their own shows on the Food Network.  Without UNICHEF’s help, Martha Stewart would still be slinging hash in Nutley, NJ.

Memorial Day weekend is the unofficial start of summer and this year it kicked me right in the sweat gland.

It is so hot and humid in New York that for the first time in my life, I welcome people spitting at me. I’m not kidding you, it is so hot in New York that it’s being called the Baked Apple instead of the Big Apple.

I’m using Easy-Off as a sun block and there is a rumor floating around that Mayor Bloomberg had the Statue of Liberty blow out her torch.

Sitting here, hoping that it will cool off, I keep thinking of celebrities and how they cope with the heat. For example, the only thing higher than the temperatures this weekend is Lindsay Lohan.

Tori Spelling called her mother just to get frozen out.

Winona Ryder went shoplifting just to hear a cop yell, “Freeze!” 

And it’s been so hot that Mel Gibson had to turn off the ovens in his house (which is good because it saved my cousin Minnie Goldberg’s life).

Melissa and I were the Mistresses of Ceremony at the National Osteoporosis Foundation’s Silhouette Ball on Tuesday night at the Waldorf Astoria in New York.  I was very happy to have her there with me because the N.O.F. is an important and extremely worthwhile organization and I am very proud of the work I’ve done with them. Melissa was amazing and the crowd loved her. She had a very good time and was surprised at what she learned about Osteoporosis.

Melissa saw just how crucial good bone health can be, for example:

When during the entertainment part of the evening, an aria from "Madame Butterfly" was performed and at one very high note three old women shattered.

Melissa learned that it is considered negative to say that someone is suffering from “Brittle Bone Disease”. Instead, they like to be referred to as “Extra Crispy.”

Melissa learned that while in New York we consider Osteoporosis something to worry about, in Los Angeles it is welcomed as having a hollow spine makes you a few pounds lighter.

Melissa was happily surprised to find out that with vitamins, calcium and exercise anyone can achieve a spine that is straighter than Ryan Seacrest.

It was a great evening. As Melissa and I gave our closing remarks, we received an amazing stooping ovation! The crowd applauded so hard that several people’s arms broke and the tragic part of this was that they were then unable to sign their contributions checks. Charity is a bitch.

Beauty pageants have never really been my thing due to the fact that they stir up bad memories for me. When I was a child, my mother entered me in a pageant and I was devastated when I lost Best in Breed to a Saint Bernard.  So it was very interesting for me to host the Miss Great Britain Pageant in London on Monday night. Not only was it exciting to be there with 50 of Britain’s youngest and most beautiful floozies, but I learned a few pageant tricks from the girls.

1. Women who want to be noticed photograph best when posing with their feet behind their ears.

2. At a pageant, you don’t have to learn any of the contestant’s names. If you want to get anyone’s attention just call out, “Hey Tramp!”

3. Having a unique talent is still a big part of making it to the finals. One runner-up suck-started an oil rig while another opened a ketchup bottle with her tongue.

4. The most important factor in winning is to charm the judges into voting for you, so bring a car with black out windows and a large, comfortable back seat.

Last of the lot. 30% markdown for you, but only because you are family.
(See Wednesday, May 16th, Saturday, May 19th  & Monday, May 21st  blogs.)

Yenta. Shmeer. Gevalt.
Shlemiel. Shlimazl. Meshuganah
Oy! To be fluent!

****

Quietly murmured
at Saturday Synagogue services,
Yanks 5, Red Sox 3.

*****

Hard to tell under the lights.
    White Yarmulke or
    male-pattern baldness

Last week I revived my Oscar-wearing role as Dot Matrix when I taped two episodes of an animated version of Mel Brook’s Spaceballs.

Unlike Shirley Eaton in Goldfinger, being covered in gold for a role didn’t kill me, but playing Dot has made me think about my inner-android. Here are a few things that Dot has taught me about our humanoid friends that I would like to share with you:

 It is rude to refer to us as “Robots”. We like to be called Automated-Americans.

 “Throwing a wrench into the works” should be punishable by death.

 If you’re feeling a little blue, try swallowing a new set of sparkplugs. They can really brighten your day.

 The new synthetic motor oils are very constipating.

 And lastly, the Tin Man from The Wizard of Oz was addicted to Quaker State…he had a five-can-a-day habit and was constantly seen staggering out of his local Jiffy Lube.

Yet more Jewkus (see Wednesday, May 16th & Saturday, May 19th blogs)

The same kimono
the top geishas are wearing:
I got it at Loehmann's.

*****

Seven-foot Jews in
the NBA slam-dunking!
My alarm clock rings.

*****

Mom, please! There is no
need to put that dinner roll
in your pocketbook.

*****

Sorry I'm not home
to take your call. At the tone
please state your bad news.

*****

Is one Nobel Prize
so much to ask from a child
after all I've done?

I spend most of my adult life on airplanes. My assistant, Jocelyn, and I flew to London on British Airways on Tuesday. B.A.’s flight crew were top-notch professionals who smiled, knew the meaning of the word “service” and, most importantly, looked good.

Meanwhile, in our own country, we are used to being treated like cattle in the air by mean, old, overweight, incontinent nightmares in polyester.

It didn’t used to be like this. Remember the days when stewardesses were hot? Remember when designers fought to design their uniforms? Remember when they had to “make weight”? Remember when they were kindly and always willing to help? What the hell happened?

Now when I’m on a domestic flight, there are two kinds of stewardesses: old ones and mean ones. This is what I have to deal with.

 I’ve had a flight attendant who was so old that: 

her first job was on The Spirit of St. Louis. 

her wheelie luggage consisted of a colostomy bag with tires.  

she said, “Coffee, tea or…uh…um…uh…I forget.” 

she used her hot flashes to heat our in-flight meals. 

Or so mean that: 

she tried to make me gate check my thighs, claiming that they counted as two pieces of carry-on.  

when I told her I wanted to sit by the window she strapped me to the wing. 

when I asked her where my seat was she said, “two inches below where it was last year.”

More Jewkus for you’s (see Wednesday, May 16 blog):

Her lips near my ear,

Aunt Sadie whispers the name

of her friend's disease.

*****

Today I am a man.

Tomorrow I will return

to the seventh grade.

*****

The sparkling blue sea

reminds me to wait an hour 

after my sandwich.

*****

Like a bonsai tree,

is your terrible posture

at my dinner table.

*****

Jews on safari --

map, compass, elephant gun,

hard sucking candies.

Do you know what Jewish compliments are? They are the things that people say to you that they think are the right things when they are totally the wrong things. For example:

“What a gorgeous Gucci bag you’re carrying…it looks almost real.”

“Who beat you up? Oh, sorry, you’re just aging badly.”

“Wear your old red dress because if you think your expensive, new, black one makes you look thinner, it doesn’t.”

“You are so lucky that your house is so tiny.  I bet you don’t even need a maid.”

“Everyone is saying you’re sick, are you?”

I hate to brag, but I am becoming known as one of the most charitable people in the United States. Below is just a partial list of some charities that I give to, such as:

The Children’s Defense Fund. I think we should defend ourselves against children at all costs.

I give blood to the Red Cross. This is not easy as it takes a loooong time to save up enough used Band-Aids, but I am committed.

The Shave the Children Foundation because I know, first hand, the pain of being a little girl with a moustache.

Witch Doctors Without Borders. It feels really good to bring voodoo to parts of the world that are too poor to afford crude dolls and chicken feet.

And I founded Habitrails for Humanity where homeless people live in a series of colorful, plastic tubes. They seem pretty happy, but you have to change their wood shavings a lot.

Haiku is a poetic form and a type of poetry from the Japanese culture. Great Haikus combine form, content, and language in a meaningful, yet compact form.

My friend, David Deckelbaum, found these Jewish Haikus – henceforth known as Jewkus – and we both thought that you would enjoy the aesthetic mix of Eastern and Jewish philosophy – sort of like where Kyoto and Tel Aviv meet in a kosher wok.

Lacking fins or tail

the gefilte fish swims with

                      great difficulty.

*****

Beyond Valium,

peace is knowing one's child

is an internist.

*****

On Passover we 

opened door for Elijah.

Now our cat is gone.

*****

After the warm rain

the sweet smell of camellias.

Did you wipe your feet?

Attention Global Warming Fans: hybrids are the best way to go! Yesterday I ran out and bought myself a hybrid and let me tell you Manny Chang is the best Jewish/Asian gardener I ever owned.

Attention Global Warming Fans: interested in protecting endangered species? Then please send a dollar to the fund I have started for Moishe Goldberg, the last living white taxi driver in New York City.

Attention Global Warming Fans: recycling can be fun. I have just stuffed two pillows with parts of my friend’s ass that her plastic surgeon was just going to throw away. Also, feel free to write in for my Lipo Burger recipe. My secret? Human fat, it makes even the driest meat stay juicy on the grill and it is also great for dieters as it takes five days to digest.

Attention Global Warming Fans: with summer coming, don’t turn on your oven; be inventive as you try to save our planet. When having a dinner party, as you pass the entrée, say proudly, “Care for some salmon?  I steamed it in my very own armpits. And can you guess where I cooked the peas?”

I just finished watching the Today Show.  Willard Scott was on talking to all of those old people and wishing them “Happy Birthday”.

The segment is sponsored by Smucker’s and I am sitting here trying to figure out why Smucker’s continues to sponsor this? Is it because jelly is the only thing these old a*#holes can eat?

Just looking at these toothless, smelly, old people sickens me. If I want to see a bunch of flabby, stinky, gummy, 100 year olds who have no idea where they are I don’t need to watch the Today Show, I’ll just go back to my high school reunion.

A lot of you love old people, but being one I think I have the right to say that we have many smells and none of them are good.

It makes me wish someone had invented a douche with five nozzles (God knows, I’d be their first customer).

Another thought on Air Elderly (see May 2nd blog entry).

The thing that really upsets me is that the people at Air Elderly always count my colostomy bag as a piece of carry-on.

Melissa and I did the "Today Show" on Wednesday in a segment dedicated to Mother/Daughter relationships and it made us both think about what we like and don’t like about each other.

For example:

I love the fact that even though I am more mature than Melissa, parts of me aren’t even half her age.

I love the fact that we share a common belief in being nice to each other…as you never know when you might need a piece of someone’s liver.

I love the fact that we are both into clothes and shoes and spas and gossip. She’s like the gay son I’ve never had.

And lastly, I love the fact that Melissa has dinner at my house once a week. It’s a great bonding experience because I’m still breast feeding.

In conclusion, I totally enjoy being Melissa’s mother and I’m so proud that she was raised correctly with great values, excellent manners and a real feeling for others and that is why every Mother’s Day I send a card with five dollars in it to her old governess as a way of saying “thank you.”

Comments and responses excerpted from my April 5th blog..."An Afterthought About Joan Collins."

Ann Chludzinski wrote: She is so old she farts and dust comes out.

As we speak, she is being carbon dated at the Smithsonian.--xxx Joan

Merle Hatch wrote: Is she still marrying men with afterbirth on them?  Or have those leeches bled her dry?

 Her last wedding cake was made by Gerber's.  The nice thing about her marrying younger men is that their teeth are coming in as hers are going out. --xxx Joan

Carl wrote: Joan you're very beautiful...My pictures are at seniorpeoplemeet.com...Cool Carl...Lookin forward to hearing from you Joan. 

Carl, I can't wait to see your pictures.  If you want to see me without any clothing, look on Northshoreanimalleague.com under "Furry But Fun."--xxx Joan

Jake wrote:  LOL...Please keep the Joan Collins jokes coming Joan.  I think your best Collins line so far is..."I love women like Joan Collins that wear wigs and then a hat on top." Ha, Ha. Take care.

I hate to tell you, it's not original.  King Tut was the first one to say that about her.

Governor Spitzer of New York is attempting to push through legislation to legalize gay marriage. Being non-political and oh-so-shallow, I immediately started to think about what are appropriate wedding gifts for my gay, lesbian and transgender friends.

We all know what to send our straight friends, but here is a list for our gay ones – and no, I’m not going to say His & His towels – that one is soooo old.

STRAIGHT                                         GAY

Set of China         Chinese Houseboy

Silverware                           Silver Nipple Rings (matching, of course)

Crystal Glasses                  Crystal Meth

Wine Stoppers                     Poppers

Blender        Gender Reassignment Surgery

Garden Swing                       Dungeon Sling

Wedding Album                    Judy Garland Album

Honeymoon Cruise              Tom Cruise

Attention: to the three of you reading this. If you’re in the mood for a serious movie experience and if you’re willing – or can – read subtitles go to see The Lives of Others written and directed by Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck.

The movie won the 2006 Academy Award for Best Foreign Film and is a mesmerizing, thought-provoking, edge-of-your-seat thriller - beautifully cast, exquisitely directed and with so many twists that it will remind you what fine movie making is all about.

The Lives of Others takes place in Berlin right before the wall came down and the story builds to a totally unexpected (and perfect) climax. As a friend of mine who writes for The New Yorker said, “Even just the last five minutes make the whole movie worthwhile.”

I am usually one who hates to go to movies with subtitles – too much work for this tired, old Jew - but I can’t wait to go and see The Lives of Others again with a whole new set of friends. I’m so happy knowing what a great gift I’ll be giving them.

Miami was amazing. It’s nice to be in a place that embraces Golden Oldies.  The Goodyear Blimp advertises in large print.

Bathrooms all over the city have special vending machines that offer adult diaper/bathing suits called “Leakinis”. 

 Miami also has special activities aimed at the elderly. The most popular of these are collecting and trading Ugly Grandchild Trading Cards. The last time I sat in, two Tiffany Goldbergs  trumped a unisex Jaden Schwartz.

Miami also has the World Championships of a game called Ping (no one ever returns the Pong) and they’ve come up with some hilarious team names like “The Gummer Gang”, “The Merry Widows” and “The Incontinentals”

Education-wise, Miami has a lot of continuing ED classes for South Beach Seniors. There are special make-up classes for the ladies to teach them, “How to Turn That Death Pale to Your Advantage”, “How to get Your Dentures Their Whitest While still in Your Mouth” and “How to Chose a Drool-Proof Lipstick.”

Plus over seventy self-help groups that teach “The Power of Positive Forgetting”. There are classes that use seniors’ skills to set them off on new career paths and get them back into the workforce as:       

Corpses on CSI

Book Ends

Seat Fillers at Award Shows

Human Doorstops

And the best job of all, as they can do it while they’re lying down, is the high-risk one: Parking Spot Savers.

Everyone thinks that Miami is such a hip, trendy and happening place these days, but I’ve just come back from doing a concert there and I have to tell you that Miami really still caters to our aging population.

I should have noticed this when my travel agent told me that she’d booked me on Air Elderly.

“You’ll get a great price,” she said, “because there’s no round-trip.”

“How long is the flight?” I asked.

“Total of 18 hours.”

“18 hours…to Miami!?! American makes the flight in three.”

“It’s the loading and unloading,” she replied, “Try getting a stretcher in the overhead compartment and it’s always a mess with everyone gate checking their walkers. Remember, bring a sweater because the cabin is only 92 degrees and if you’re over 80, which you look like you are, you’ll be chilly.”

“What movies do they show on-board?” I asked.

“Cocoon…over and over and over,” she said, “and the ending is a surprise every time.”

“What’s the food like?” I asked.

“Don’t be such a smartass,” she snapped, “It’s the same stuff they serve on every airline, but for a dollar extra on Air Elderly you can get your meal pre-chewed.” 

Comments and responses excerpted from my April 4th blog..."How to Screw Up a Wonderful Day."

Frozen Keister wrote: It's all about money, they just want to build something better or so they think...tulips in my yard are blooming and then there is this 30 degree snap, I was starting to like global warming.

Like it? I love it!  Nothing like seeing a polar bear sweat. --xxx Joan

Deelish wrote: My body was condemned years ago by the state.  No, it's not a danger to others, just to me. :(

It's a danger to others if they can see it, so don't go on the beach. --xxx Joan

Funny Lady wrote: You are holding up better than brick and mortara! That has to make your day. Plus you don't have the cracks that building does.  That skin of yours is as smooth as a baby's bottom.  Does it leak?

Only when I drink. --xxx Joan

Soothsayer wrote: Live for today! Wear it up and use it out! Don't look back, look ahead!

Thank you, Stevie Wonder. --xxx Joan

The Flying Nun wrote: Just be happy you're not pushing up tulips.

This will never happen as I am Jewish.  We don't do push-ups. --xxx Joan

Scott wrote: Joan, you have such a blessed life with incredible energy and talent which you're still sharing with your tons of fans. I hope you truly are not down about getting older.  It happens to all of us.  Unless we're dead :-) You are the best of the best.

You're right.  The happy memories of crossing the Alps with Hannibal are to be cherished. --xxx Joan