I picked up the New York Post  today to find that they did an entire article on celebrity blogs and WE WERE NOT EVEN MENTIONED!

Now, I don’t like to point a finger, but I think this is all your fault. If instead of you guys just sitting home and reading this you should be out telling others about us. I repeat, our lack of success in the Celebrity Blog World is due to the fact that the only people who like me ARE like me…shiftless shut-ins who don’t give a s*#t.

So put down your Haagen-Dazs, get your pudgy fingers on your key boards and let’s spread the word! I’m sick of typing so that the same eight pair of eye-balls can read it over the bag of Cheetos.

I had a blast at the Academy Awards!

I got a chance to see so many of the great stars close up.

Some of my favorites were Jennifer Lopez, Penelope Cruz and Helen Mirren - whose diamond studded dress was truly fit for a queen.

My least favorite was Meryl Streep. Her dress looked like she knew she wouldn't win, so why bother?                                    

Melissa was in a Pamela Dennis gown and Christian Louboutin shoes. I was in a Michael Volbrecht for Bill Blass gown, Stuart Weisman shoes, a fur by Edwards-Lowell and jewelry by

Joan Rivers and Tallarico.     

Don't forget to watch our Oscar Fashion Wrap tonight at 8:00pm on TV Guide Channel!

So tonight’s the big night….IT’S OSCAR NIGHT...and here are some final questions that I’ve jotted down in preparation for tonight’s Red Carpet Pre-Show on the TV Guide Channel--two hours preceding the award show.

No time for a shower?

You were up for the role of “Ugly Betty,” right?

Now that you’re a star, do you ever miss selling dope for a living?

Do people recognize you without that toupee?

Do you ever regret that year of gay porn?

When you wake up in the morning without all the make-up, the perfectly styled hair, the push-up bra, the sexy heels…does your wife still love you?

Is all that weight you gained for a role?

Are you wearing a turtleneck or is that your own neck?

Do they still lend you jewelry after the “incident”?

Did they have casting couches when you were starting out? …cars?…electricity?…talkies?

Is the baby healthy? Black or white?

Here are some more questions I would really like to ask the stars on Oscar night but would never have the nerve. But hey, you never know, so tune in to my Oscar Red Carpet Pre-Show on the TV Guide Channel tomorrow night–-two hours preceding the award show.

Eddie Murphy: Eddie, now that you’re nominated, do you think that Hollywood will take you more seriously? Me either.

Sharon Stone: How do you feel about all these young starlets stealing your crotch flash? You’re such a pioneer.

Katie Holmes: Do you miss acting now that you’re a stay-at-home hostage?

Tom Cruise: Did L. Ron Hubbard’s mother really live in a cupboard?

Paula Abdul: Who are you drinking? Just kidding, sweetheart, I know you’re on drugs.

Isaiah Washington:  So handsome – and who will you be choking tonight?

Peter O’Toole: How do you get to the top of the liver list every time you need a new one?

Billy Crystal: Too bad you’re not hosting this year. They went with someone slightly more masculine.

Jennifer Hudson: Are you upset that Eddie Murphy dressed like you in Norbit?

Abigail Breslin: So, little Abigail, does beer make you fart?

Judi Dench: Dame Judi, did you have to share a bathroom in rehab?

Penelope Cruz: Whose beard are you tonight?

 This Sunday, Melissa and I will be doing our usual Oscar Red Carpet Pre-Show on the TV Guide Channel--two hours immediately preceding the award show.

Melissa and I are busy working on questions to ask the stars as they approach us. Here are some questions I would really like to ask, but would never have the nerve.

Kate Winslet: Wow! You’ve had five Oscar nominations throughout the years. How come you never win?

Mel Gibson: I’ve studied your history. Are you aware that your great, great grandfather was a Jew? Why are you crying?

          Penelope Cruz: Do you understand yourself when you talk?

Rinko Kikuchi: Have you ever considered having a name change? “Anna Nicole Smith” is no longer taken.

Forrest Whitaker: Are you aware that Michael Jackson is making a movie called The Last Queen of Scotland?

Ryan Gosling: Who the hell are you?

     Britney Spears: So why not the eyebrows too?

Tom Cruise: What’s it like looking into the eye of a grasshopper?

Dame Judi Dench: Quick, you have one minute to tell me the name of everyone you’ve ever slept with?

Jennifer Hudson: Do you think being black helped you get the role?

Diane Keaton: Where the hell are you going so fast? It’s not as though you’re going to win something.

Lindsay Lohan: Is it more fun to relapse when you wait a few days in between?

America Ferrera: What’s your secret for looking just a little bit less ugly?

Peter O’Toole: Orthodox or Reformed Jew?

Comments and responses excerpted from my February 6th blog..."How to Feel Good in Five Minutes or Less."

Depressing wrote: Great!  I love a happy uplifting story.  When you finished {that book} were you undecided between the barbiturates or the razor blade?

Who needs barbiturates or razor blades? Not all disasters are truly disasterous.  Take the famine of Jamaica in 1788.  After a hurricane the island's sugar crops were in ruins and a lot of people died of starvation.  But those who lived looked fabulous and could wear horizontal stripes and pleated skirts.--xxxJoan

Can't Read wrote: I'm thankful I'm iliterate!

Mee 2. Luv - Jone

Floater wrote: Sounds like a great summertime read, in the pool...the bottom of the pool!

I'm loving it.  Just the mass drowning in the Ebro River in Spain in 1880 when soldiers taking part in maneuvers were stupid enough to get on flimsy rafts or the earthquake in 373 B.C. which destroyed most of Greece.  People on a hillside woke up to find togas floating and bunches of half-eaten grapes floating by.  These things cheer me up. --xxx Joan

Flavia wrote: Though I see what u mean by recommending that book, I'm not sure I'd feel any better after reading about the worst world disasters.

Flavia, I am a comedian and this is a joke.  Everybody calm down.  When I'm depressed, there is only one book I turn to, The New York Times 100 Best Obituaries. --xxx Joan

This is a very funny e-mail that a friend sent to me that I would like to share with you:

Proof of what can happen if a wife drags her husband along to go shopping.

Dear Mrs. Murray,

Our store is considering banning your family from ever shopping with us again, unless your husband stops his antics. Below is a list of his offences over the past few months verified by our surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s carts when they weren’t looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the tampons.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, “Code 3 in Housewares”…and watched what happened.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of
M & M’s on lay-away.

6. September 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the Camping Department and told the shoppers he’d invite them in if they brought pillows from the Bedding Department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and says, “Why can’t you people just leave me alone?”

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera, used it as a mirror, picked his nose and ate it.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the Hunting Department        
      he asked the clerk if he knew where the anti-depressants were.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the “Mission Impossible” theme.

12. December 6: In the Auto Department, he practiced his “Madonna look” using different size funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through he yelled, “PICK ME! PICK ME!”

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker he assumed a fetal position and screamed, “NO! NO! It’s those voices again!”

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while and then yelled, very loudly, “There is no toilet paper in here.”

Everyone is upset that Britney Spears shaved her head.

I think she is a genius as she can now be both Mother and Father to her little, white trash tots.

Today I am doing publicity for a tour I am taking in Ireland.  I'll be playing the Vicar Theatre in Dublin on March 9 & 10, Ulster Hall in Belfast on March 11, and the Kings Theatre in Glasgow on March 12.

So far I have two Irish jokes:

1.  I'm not so sure that Ireland is ready for me.  I kissed the Blarney Stone and it gave me herpes.

2.  I am half Irish and half Jewish.  So I guess you can call me a LepraCohen.

I had the best Sunday of my life yesterday when I lied to all my friends and told them I was still out of town and then spent it watching Turner Classic Movies' "Day of Musicals."

How good can it get?  Seven Brides for Seven Brothers, Singin' in the Rain, Night and Day, etc. etc. etc.

                                        Life is good.

I just got home from shopping and had the meanest saleslady in the world. I knew I was in trouble when I tried on a sweater and she screamed, “It’s you! It’s so you!” 

...and I had it on backward! 

The bitch ended up selling me the sweater in ten different colors.                                                                              

                                  I got it in Pissed-off Peach,

Cranky Cranberry,

                                         Yelling at You Yellow,

                          Bitter Blue, Slap Your Face Silver,

            Resentful Red ,   Furious Fuchsia, Violent Violet,

                     Provoked Purple  and Negative Navy.

To get away from the cold in New York City I am spending the weekend in Toronto, so I guess you can’t believe my blog from yesterday about not being into drugs.

Coming from the Grammys, I was rather disappointed at the minor amount of drug abuse that took place. Where was Courtney Love? Where was Whitney Houston? Where was Billie Holiday? These are the women who put the “gram” in Grammy.

Maybe it’s my age, but I’m not really into drugs. At this point, my drug of choice is Formaldehyde and the only smack I ever had was across the face from Naomi Campbell.

These days nobody in the record industry seems to be abusing anything;. I can remember Los Angeles in the 80’s. If it was white and on a table, they’d sniff it. I had a friend who O.D.-ed in the beauty shop on dandruff.

Anna Nicole Smith.

Tragedy + time = comedy.

This was sent to me by my dear friend and the funniest man in America, Jay Redack.

"Anna Nicole Smith died last week at 39 DD. Authorities discovered no drugs in her system, however they did find significant amounts of sperm. Her body will be flown to California where it will be photographed one more time for Playboy and then buried. The cause of death is undetermined - as are the fathers of her children.

TrimSpa will continue to run her ads claiming that within the next two weeks she will lose up to 40 pounds."

Comments and responses excerpted from my  February 2nd blog--"Think You're Busy?"

Kicking and screaming wrote:  You may not have to worry about her cutting her hair. It sounds like you're going to snatch it all out!!!!My money is on you!

A lot of people think that I’m jealous of Melissa’s hair, but that’s just not true. Mine is a comb over from my nostrils. --xxx Joan

Barfsalotta wrote: When did you two start wearing underwear?

I started to wear underwear in the late 60’s when I went from Hippie to hippy. --xxx Joan

Betty wrote: Is she too old for a good old fashioned spanking? Or would that be considered kinky at this point? Just don't wear leather while doing it.

Don’t even talk to me about S & M.  I am sooo into it. That’s why stopped reading the newspapers when I realized that they were talking about I-raq and not A-rack. P.S. I am typing this with my nose as I am tied to the bed and my master will be back any second. --xxx Joan

Bastardo wrote: If your thinking of changing the will. I could be your illegitmate child. Do you remember a hot night with Paul Lynde? I am the offshoot of that evening.

Every night with Paul was a hot night AND did you think Edgar was Melissa’s father? --xxx Joan

My friend Lee has just sent me a poem that he composed in honor of Anna Nicole Smith’s death and I’d like to share my two favorite lines:

   “And it seems to me you lived your life
   Like a hot, then fat, then hot again candle in the wind”

Anna Nicole Smith died today.

I interviewed her a couple of times and found her stupid, nice, but stupid. She could have had a great life with that extraordinary gift of dazzling beauty.

I was told by people at E! that her son, Daniel, who died last year, was incredibly nice and very smart. I feel so sorry for her new baby.

What a waste.

IT’S SO COLD!

                                       It’s so cold; my legs are so blue that a Smurf tried to pick me up.

It’s so cold; Paris Hilton has to keep her pants on.

It’s so cold; the Statue of Liberty had her torch up her dress.

It’s so cold; this is the first day in seven years that my breasts have been firm.

Feeling depressed? Think your life is sh*t? Well here is Aunt Joan’s answer on how to feel good in five minutes or less.

There is a book that I got on Ebay called “Darkest Hours” by Jay Robert Nash. It records the world’s greatest disasters from ancient times up to 1976.

Winter got you down?  Feeling blue?  Well, maybe you’ll count your blessings after you read about that maritime disaster from 1939 when the French submarine “Phoenix” went down off the coast of Indo-China with 71 crewmembers on board?  They all froze to death. 

Husband cheating on you?  Keep your fingers crossed.  Maybe he’ll get into a railway wreck like the one in Porter, Indiana on February 27, 1921.  It took 700 passengers. 

Is your kid giving you lip? Well, maybe she’d stop her sassing if she knew that a hurricane could hit her like the one that hit Indianola, TX in 1886 and killed over 2,000. 

This book is fabulous! No matter what page you turn to there is someone worse off than you by a mile! Jay Robert Nash deserves a major thank you from all of us.   Unfortunately, he can’t get it as he was killed in a sudden New Jersey paper mill explosion in 1977. 

According to the book, it claimed the lives of 3,000 workers, all of who died of severe paper cuts. 

Comments and responses excerpted from my January 21st blog --"My Dog Max."

Ellie wrote: Thinking positive thoughts your way. It's so hard to see our pets in distress.

Why!?! My pets don't even notice when I'm sick. --xxx Joan

Todd wrote: Take your cute little dog to the vet and see what he/she says. He is adorable.

You think my vet, Dr. Schwartniki, is adorable!?! I call him Dr. Quasimodo. --xxx Joan

Tom wrote: maybe he has worms... take him to the vet.

If he has worms, I’m not going to take him to the vet, I’m going to take him fishing. Remember that very wise, old saying, “Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he’ll f*#*ing bore you to death with fishing stories for the rest of your life.” -xxx Joan

Withered wrote: If life is all about cycles...I'm in trouble as my cycle dried up years ago!!! The only period I'm seeing is the one in this sentence.

Don’t look to me for sympathy. The last time I saw a tampon I thought it was a cotton firecracker and tried to light the string. --xxx Joan

Rover wrote: Give him a treat or take him personally out for a walk make him feel special like he used to make you feel.

Rover, go fetch...me something from Tiffany's. --xxx Joan

Think you’re busy?   Well, here’s a day for you. I got home very late
Wednesday night (after doing two shows on a gay cruise), flew back from the ship and then went directly from the airport to perform at the Cutting Room – which I do every Wednesday night. I went to bed, got up at the crack of dawn on Thursday morning to work on my Martha Stewart shot and then went to do the Martha Stewart show.

I adore Martha. I always forget how smart she is, how thorough she is and how everything is PERFECT, PERFECT, PERFECT backstage. Even her floors have been redone in a mottled linoleum which picks up the wonderful colors of the hallways (done in Martha Stewart’s paint).  The dressing rooms are exquisite and beautifully done with perfectly laid out scones with jam, water and coffee for the guests. Everything in the dressing rooms is immaculate. Martha is totally focused on the air, so I try not to mess up her recipes as she takes cooking very seriously. I, on the other hand, can’t cook and find the whole thing hilariously funny, so it takes a little while for Martha to relax and realize that its okay when Joan messes up or when Joan picks up all of the hors d’oeuvers and says that she is going to keep them for her next party. Anyhow, it was a good shot. I love her total dedication.

I got home and spoke to Melissa and we ended up having a huge argument. It was a real mother/daughter, no-holds barred, knock-down/drag-out one. Two minutes later we were being interviewed by a magazine for their Mother's Day issue on how wonderful it is for the two of us to work together (which was hilarious because we never spoke to each other during the conference call, just to the interviewer). Anyhow, if any of you see any Mothers’ Day interviews with Melissa and me, please know that they were done on a day when we weren’t talking. We were Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton, except we were both wearing underwear and neither one of us had thrown up our breakfast that morning.

Comments and responses excerpted from my January 19th blog "Making the Scene." 

Alex wrote:  I'm 17 yrs old. In order to help pay for college, I'm starting to do beauty pageants. Can you tell me if you have a brooch for a bathing suit in a starfish? I can't find one on QVC.

Sorry, sorry, sorry. We have never done a starfish. Remember, it is most important to stand up straight, smile and, as you walk by the judges’ table take a lesson from Vanessa Williams and whisper very quietly, “I’m easy.” This will get you a lot further than a starfish pin. Good luck and remember, when you get to the Miss America Pageant, beware of Bert Parks. That man has a million hands! --xxx Joan

Edith wrote:  Alex, have you thought about prostitution? A brooch for a bathing suit? Are you f*#*ing nuts? You could puncture a breast! Unless you plan on wearing it on your crotch!

Back off Edith. Alex is very nice teenage hooker and she doesn’t need your big mouth comments. As I am in the jewelry business, I think jewelry looks good everywhere. I put one of my famous bee pins on my bathingsuit top, but I had to take it off as I kept tripping over it. --xxx Joan

Feel-the-Sting wrote: My bee pin stung me the other night that! Damn thing nearly punctured a lung!!!! I forgot to put my blouse on! It was my own fault.

Don't worry.  If you are over 50 nobody saw because your boobs were under the table anyway. --xxx Joan