As I mentioned in last Friday's blog, I’m on Martha Stewart's TV show tomorrow (February 1st) doing food jokes relating to each of the movies nominated for Best Picture at this year’s Academy Awards.

 Here are ones that I am uusing

1. Babel (Moroccan Food)

It’s all about Moroccan food. Instead of Couscous, I’m serving my guests Jewsjews.

2. The Queen (English Food)

I love to give a high tea and my favorite person to invite is Kate Moss.

3. The Departed (Irish Food)

The Irish boil everything. On one trip to Ireland I helped myself to a steaming bowl of pillowcases.

4. Letters from Iwo Jima (Japanese Food)

I tried to prepare battered shrimp, but Dr. Ruth kept hitting me back.

5. Little Miss Sunshine (White Trash Food)

I invited white trash to a party and, in their honor, I tried to serve wine in a box, but my cousin Sheila kept getting out.

If you can think of any funny jokes about any of the food above, send them to me!

For those of you who might not regularly check my responses to blog comments, I’ve decided that from time to time I will pull a few of them out at random to give you an idea of what you’ve missed. 

 
    On Etiquette

PN wrote: Can I blow my nose in it, if it's a paper napkin? I hate folding those paper napkins they are so inflexible.

 No, no...a thousand times NO!  Etiquette says that you NEVER blow your nose in a napkin, you go right to your hostess's drapes. xxx Joan

Tod wrote: Whenever i have a dinner party there seems to be more food in the napkin at the end of the dinner....must be my cooking.

Sell your napkins to a Chinese restaurant and they can serve them as won tons. --xxx Joan

    On Melissa's Hair

JP wrote: Let the girl cut her hair, after all, hair grows back. It's not all about you.

Mind your own business, JP, because it is all about me.  You try to get your daughter remarried with short hair. --xxxJoan

Mother Spears wrote:  Melissa don't cut that hair you will look like a bull dyke. If you want to change it blonde it out and don't wear underwear!!!!

You are a woman after my own heart, Mama Spears. I try to tell Melissa about not wearing underwear – especially over her clothes…so bulky. –xxxJoan

On Life

Joe Karalchick wrote:  I'm thinking about doing a one woman play... Even though I'm a man. Am I confused?

Didn't stop Elaine Stritch. --xxx Joan

I am going to be a guest on "Martha" (Martha Stewart's show) on Thursday, February 1st.

I will be joking with Martha about funny foods and recipes as we prepare food to go with the movies that are nominated for Best Picture for people's Academy Awards parties.

If you can think of anything funny pertaining to food or recipies that I can use for the following movies and cuisines, send them in.
 
Babel: Moroccan Food
                                  

 
 The Queen: English Food 
           
                                                               Letters from Iwo Jima: Japanese Food

The Departed: Irish Food and Potatoes
 
      Little Miss Sunshine: White Trash and Road Food
 
 

                                  I did a QVC show with Melissa today

                                    and the bitch did better than me.

I'm very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very proud of her.

She was TERRIFIC.
 

Okay, here are some fast jokes on the Academy Awards nominations that came out today.

With only two nominations in important fields, it was a nightmare for Dream Girls.

Babel’s Rinko Kikuchi was completely naked and didn’t say a word in the movie. So was I, but they kicked me out of the theatre.

With The Queen and Elizabeth I, Helen Mirren has now played every queen in British history except Elton John and Ian McKellan.

In the musical nominations, the Best Score of the Year, hands down, is whoever is dating Jessica Alba.

In closing, there were so many actresses over 50 nominated this year that Tampax made a last minute decision to pull their advertising.

More later…

When traveling with children over 3oz, keep them in a clear, ziplock bag
in your checked luggage.

Not only does this fulfill FAA regulations, but it also keeps them fresh.

Saturday was Melissa’s birthday and, as usual, I was off somewhere working – which makes me very sad. When she was growing up she’d always join me on weekends if I was away, so there was never a problem. Now she has her own life and her own family & friends.

We spoke twice on the telephone. I surprised her with some moonstone earrings that she wanted and I paid for a party for her, her friends and all of their children at a restaurant that she loves, so she was fine, but me? I was a mess.

To cheer myself up I took my assistant, Matt, on a daytrip to the Donner Museum which is not far from Reno (I was playing the Nugget Casino in Sparks, NV). It is a truly lovely museum with a great 26 minute movie that explains the tragic journey of the Donner Party. Naturally, we ended up in the gift shop which had a wonderful selection for such a tiny place (I am, by the way, a gift shop junkie). I have to admit though, I was a wee bit disappointed as, obviously, the buyer has no sense of humor. For example, nowhere in the shop was there:

T-shirts that said, “My Grandma went to the Donner Party and all she brought me was this thumb.”

Copies of the Donner Party Cookbook – which features an entire section on how to cook knees.

Packages of Gummy Spleens.

Bumper stickers saying, “Mom…the other white meat.”

My dog Max is feeling poorly.

He won’t eat or jump on the bed. He just lies there looking up at me with his big, sad eyes. It kills me as Max is a rescue that I found three years ago on the street and, from that day on, we’ve been constant companions. It breaks my heart to see him lying there so helpless and vulnerable.

I know that life is all about cycles, but is this the end? Is it time for me to throw him back onto the street?

I have just gotten back from working the Red Carpet for the Golden Globes. While I was out in California, Melissa and I probably did more TV appearances than we’ve done before in our careers.

We started out last Thursday afternoon filming an M & Ms commercial, then Friday we did the "Jimmy Kimmel Show,"  Saturday we had a Golden Globes media tour (i.e. talking to 51 different TV morning shows via satellite), on Sunday I took Cooper out to the movies and dinner, Monday we did our Pre-Show on the Red Carpet for the TV Guide Channel (right before the Golden Globes), on Tuesday we did the "Today Show" in the morning followed by CNN Entertainment, followed by CNN International Entertainment, followed by the BBC and finally....we taped our "Fashion Wrap." Whew!

Here are some of the jokes that I just love that I used on different shows. In case you have a real life and missed me on this whirlwind, I thought you might enjoy them too. For example:

Geena Davis looked so fat in her blue dress that I was sure she was there to announce her new TV show Hail to the Chef.

It was a big night for chandelier earrings. If you weren’t wearing them you were either a poor woman or a straight man.

It was so cold in L.A. that it was the first time in history that the stars’ faces were frozen, but not from Botox.

I love the award shows so much because it is the only place where you can approach someone who is richer, prettier, younger, more famous and thinner than you and shout right into their face, “Looser! Looser! Looser! Looser!”

I love working with Melissa because she knows exactly how long I can stay out in the sun before my face starts to melt.

In his tribute to Warren Beatty, Tom Hanks kept saying that Warren “had balls”. Big deal, everybody knows that. Warren is an old man and we could all see his balls tucked neatly into his socks.

Meryl Streep has won so many awards that rumor has it she is using performance enhancing drugs. Renee Zellweger has demanded a urine test.

Prince won an award for Best Original Song, but he wasn’t there to pick it up because he was stuck in traffic. Plus, to make matters worse, when he finally did arrive it took him another ten minutes to get his booster seat unbuckled.

Four things I noticed immediately on the Red Carpet were Jennifer Love Hewitt’s and Patricia Arquette’s big boobs. Apparently dead people are only interested in talking to chicks with huge racks.

The big fight on the Red Carpet was between Angelina Jolie and Madonna. They were both trying to adopt Will Smith’s son.

Anyhow, these are some of my favorite jokes. I hope they made you laugh.

I love, love, love the theatre (you could almost call me a straight Rosie O’Donnell).

 I went to see a very interesting play called "The Scene" at Second Stage Theatre. It was written by Theresa Rebeck, who presented it to much acclaim at the Actors Theatre of Louisville in Kentucky and was a critical favorite at the Humana Festival of New American Plays. It stars four terrific actors: Anna Camp, Patricia Heaton, Tony Shalhoub and Christopher Evan Welsh.

 All four get to play amazing tour de force parts that go from wild slap-stick comedy all the way to high drama. It was especially great to see Patricia Heaton – who played Ray Romano’s wife on "Everybody Loves Raymond - and Tony Shalhoube – who plays Adrian Monk on "Monk "– back on Broadway.         

I am one of those people who adores the fact that English actors get to go from television to movies to theatre throughout their entire careers. If you are in New York and you want to see a funny, contemporary comedy that is wonderfully acted then I would highly recommend "The Scene."

I don’t know how many of you saw Melissa and me on Regis & Kelly last week, but I thought it was a very cute shot and I also think that Melissa looked great. I was plugging my next comedy appearances at the Nugget Casino in Reno, NV on January 19th & 20th as well as our Golden Globes Red Carpet Pre-show and Fashion Wrap. During the show, Regis asked if we ever don’t get along. It’s funny because we had just been having a “heated discussion” backstage before coming out because Melissa, who has the most gorgeous hair in the world – which she got, I am sad to say, from her father’s side of the family – wants to cut it off (she is going through one of those times in her life when she wants to change everything about herself). To say that I am upset about this is an understatement as she:

One, has such gorgeous hair.
Two, looks so wonderful with long hair.
Three, doesn’t get it that at one point in her life she will no longer be able to wear long hair.

I am not telling you all what to do, but…if any of you want to write to her at TV Guide – and don’t tell her I told you to do this – saying that you saw her on Regis & Kelly, Jimmy Kimmel or on the Red Carpet and that you think her hair looks amazing and that she should not cut it. Maybe this will work and she won’t cut it. For God sake’s, tell nobody that I asked you to do this. This is just a mother’s plea.

I LOVE Etiquette!!! I have a small, but terrific, collection of etiquette books dating from the late nineteenth century (get me drunk and I’ll tell you much more than you’d ever want to know about calling cards and Ladies Maids).

Anyhow, just for fun, here are four tips on napkins – not that you care.

1. Dinner napkins are never to be reused – so the custom of using napkin rings was considered to be very bourgeois – of course today they are used more for ornamenting the table.

2. When finished eating, NEVER refold your napkin as one of your staff might think that the napkin is clean and reuse it.

3. Never blow your nose into your napkin. EVER.

4. When you have finished eating, leaving your napkin on the right side of your plate – not refolded – is a signal to your guests that dinner is over and that it is time to get up from the table.

This falls into the “Not For Everybody, But I Loved It Department,”

Sunday night I saw "Spring Awakening."  It is a rock musical that takes place in Germany. It is seamless in it’s acting, singing, and directing and everyone in the cast is perfect, perfect, perfect along with the set – which is perfect - and the costumes – which are also perfect.

It is a musical based on a heavy, expressionistic play circa 1898 that caused such an uproar that it was banned for many years in Germany. It is all about sexual repression. There is nudity, sex, and masturbation on stage, but it all works.

Again, NOT FOR EVERYBODY, so if you’d rather see "Mary Poppins", then go see it.  But if you’re smart and love “real” theatre then see "Spring Awakening." Google the reviews, they are fantastic!

We all made New Year's Resolutions before we came home and I am proud to say that I am still keeping mine.

What are they?

Don't diet.
Don't exercise.
Have nothing nice to say about any of your close friends.

Happy New Year to all of you!!!

I am back from a wonderful ten days with my daughter and grandson in the Caribbean (or is it Cara-be-in?) and I am looking like a brown, Jewish, Tandala Schwartz. I swam every day for at least 45 minutes and, I'm proud to say, came back two pounds heavier. F*#k! F*#k! F*#k!

The weight gain has to be because I swallowed so many pebbles and so much sand as I side stroked my way around dozens of islands. I know that it can’t be from the food on board because the chef on the boat sucked! It wasn’t that his food was inedible. It was just very “modern” in the sense that everything had a dual purpose.

For example: You could either eat your morning biscuit or, if you had a Greek friend, it could be used as a discus to kill an enemy with.

Any leftover spaghetti (and there was plenty of it) was very useful in securing the dinghy to the side of the boat during a storm (if Natalie Wood had had this chef aboard she would still be with us today probably bitching about his cuisine).

It’s our final day out and I just got the bill!!! F*#k them, there is no way that am I going to pay THIS! Natalie Wood, make some room in Davy Jones’ Locker. (By the way, she’s the only Wood I know that didn’t float.)

Back to reality tomorrow…

Hope you all had a great Holiday!

It’s New Years Day and our tenth day out and two guests are seasick.

F*#k them, they should have bought themselves some of Heather McCartney’s Sea Legs.