Next week I am doing a club date right smack in the heart of New York City. This is wonderful! It means that I don’t have to get on a plane and travel to some far away city, perform, stay over night and then get back on a plane at the crack of dawn the next morning to fly back to New York.  So, as I said, I am thrilled to do club dates in and around New York, but this club date has been a difficult one from the beginning. It is a Corporate Club Date - which means that a lot of business executives will be getting together to have the sort of riotous fun that only older, uptight business executives can have.

I got on the phone this afternoon with the Event Coordinator and the first thing he said to me was, “We hope you work clean.” Already I knew that the man has never seen my act. He said, “My 10 year old daughter will be in the audience.” And I said to him, “She shouldn’t be. It’s a 9 o’clock show, but, as you are paying me, I’ll leave out my Two Rabbis F*#*ed a Nun joke.”

There was total silence at the other end of the phone. He then said to me, “95% of the audience will be men and the co-starring acts will be O, the Cirque de Soleil show from Vegas, and the Pussycat Dolls.” That really made me feel confident. A thousand tired CEO’s are really going to want to hear me up there talking about why men are stupid, how to get a big ring from a husband, about how to fake orgasm, etc, etc. The final thing he said to me was, “You don’t swear, do you? We had a terrible experience with another performer.” I asked, “Who?” He said, “Richard Lewis. When we told him we didn’t want him to swear, he came on stage with a list of 100 swear words he compiled and read them to the audience.”

I know that I should have acted shocked, but good for Richard. This is one of the funniest things I’ve heard of a comedian doing in the last 10 months!

All I know is that I’ll be doing this date and, in a way, I feel sorry for the thousand uptight CEOs who are going to be staring at me and, most of all, I think I should be paid by the Pussycat Dolls and the O performers because after seeing me in all my sexual glory those men are going to be so happy to catch them!!

Just a thought:

Where do Jews who live in Florida move to when they retire?

Am I getting old?  “No,” I keep telling myself, “I’m just middle aged.” Yeah, right! If that’s so and I am only middle aged that means I’ll be old when I’m 140.

How do you know when you’re middle aged? It’s easy, just check your boobs.

                      You know you’re middle aged when:

Your boobs have dropped so far that you can get a pedicure and a mammogram at the same time.

Your boobs have dropped so far that your new shoe size is 36B.

Your boobs have dropped so far that you look like you have four arms (great for wearing Joan Rivers’ bracelets – see QVC.com)

On Saturday morning it was pouring, pouring, pouring rain and I was sitting at home worried to death.

I had to perform in Pennsylvania that evening and, according to the Weather Channel, we were looking at heavy gales, winds blowing furiously, and visibility was at zero.  AND not to mention driving on flooded roads with trees falling down and cars being blown off the road. 

So what did I do? I called all of my friends and told them, “DON’T DRIVE. DON’T DRIVE. DON’T DRIVE.”

I had to stop calling them at 3 o’clock because I needed to get ready to get in my car and drive to work.  And we zipped down to PA without anyone on the road!

We were supposed to have three tables of twelve each – a total of thirty-six, but at one point it had gone down to three tables of eight – which made only twenty-four. That really sucked as the guests would have had enough arm room to do aerobics in between courses. We were then back up to 31, which is also shitty because the count was uneven and the worst thing is that there was an extra woman. I’m sure she was thrilled after spending the day going to the beauty shop, getting herself into a formal gown, putting on her best jewelry to find that she was sitting between two other women.

                           That is nobody’s idea of a party…except maybe Martina Navratilova and Hillary Clinton.

The flowers were donated by David Stark who is a wonderful florist and designer, but when they donate them you have no right to say, “Do you really think we should use those colors?” The champagne was donated by Moet/Hennessey, so I couldn’t be rude and say, “Was May really a good month?” And it was also the first freezing cold day in New York, which meant that I had to have 31 crappy coats shoved into my closets.

To top it all off, I am up 10 lbs and couldn’t fit into the dress I wanted to wear and ate M & M’s like crazy all day as I helped to set the tables, rearranged the place cards and just plain bitched about everything.

I was not happy about this party. I am glad that Blaine has selfless devotion, but I think this is where the friendship may very soon end (only kidding).

More to come…

Six months ago I volunteered to open my house and give a dinner party in honor of my very good friend Blaine Trump.                                                                                          

Blaine deserves this honor because she has worked for 17 (according to one publication)     or 20 (according to another) years with unselfish devotion for God’s Love We Deliver, a charity that delivers home cooked meals to people with AIDS and terminal illnesses.

Despite this unselfish devotion Blaine, God bless her, has managed to get herself married to and divorced from a very rich man, always looks gorgeous, wears designer clothes with amazing style and goes on fabulous adventures around the world. However that’s another blog moment and, as I said, I was truly thrilled to throw this party.

We made a list of people who we thought would love to come and honor Blaine and, indeed, they all accepted. Yesterday was the day of the party and, suddenly, the very rich and/or famous were driving me f*#*king crazy! Half of them wanted to come in tuxedos and the other half forgot to bring tuxedos from the West Coast and wouldn’t come if the other half were in tuxedos.

The women were calling wanting to know who they were seated next to. Three of them, since they received their invitations, had become Vegans. Do you know what that means? A Vegan makes a Vegetarian look easy going. Vegans don’t eat meat, fish, dairy, animal products, etc…nothing that has eyes. I can not tell you what this left us to work with.    (to be continued)

Ooooooppppps!!!!

 I almost forgot: today, Tuesday, October 24th, is the day of my Bravo special (which airs at 10:00pm tonight). I am very excited because I happen to think it is a wonderful, wonderful, wonderful special (I never say this about my own work, but I happen to think it…this time). 

I did Howard Stern today, who I worship and adore, and had one of the most hysterical visits I’ve ever had with him on radio. Unfortunately, he is now on Sirius, so instead of having 40,000,000 people listening, 6 had a really good time in their cars. It was great seeing Howard. And he read Linda Stasi’s review of my special in The New York Post which is glowing and good, old L.S. gave me three out of three stars, so that is just tip top. 

If you aren’t doing anything and, obviously, you can’t be doing much if you are sitting home reading this stupid blog, get off your computer and turn to Bravo at 10 o’clock. Call your friends and let’s get a big turn-out for the show which is called "Before Melissa Pulls the Plug."

 If I don’t do well, my price will go down, Melissa will realize that I’m worth more to her dead than alive and she, indeed, will really try to pull the plug and then who will you have to read?

Did you hear that Disney caught two of their employees who were dressed as Disney character having sex while still in their costumes?

This gives a whole new meaning to “Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride”. 

The sequel to "Beauty and the Beast" is now going to be called "Beauty ON the Beast."

 And, Daisy Duck was heard to say to Pluto, “Oh my God, that’s not your tail.”

Just did the “Today” show to plug my comedy special on Bravo—which so happens to be on tomorrow night (Tuesday, October 24th) at 10pm.

We did it on top of 30 Rockefeller Center and it was so windy that my hairdo ended up in the East River while my makeup visited the Hudson.

Ann Curry had just asked me what I was planning to wear for Halloween and I said…here comes the joke…. “I’m going to pull my dress up over my head and go as Paris Hilton.”

Then Meredith joined us from off camera and said, “What are you going to wear for Halloween?”  Well….here we go again, I thought.  But God was with me and a fresh joke popped into my head and I replied, “Last year it was easy. I had just had plastic surgery, so I went as a Mummy.”

I have just gotten a call from my makeup artist in Toronto who has been offered a job at six times the salary that I am offering her for the same day.               

 I wired back, "Frankly, your lack of loyalty is shocking. When things calm down can you lend me $50...American?"

                                           I
                                         AM
                                      ATTHE
                                 EYEDOCTOR
                          ANDHEISLOOKINGHOT*
 
*Of course, the vision in my right eye is -21 and the vision in my left eye is -18.

                                             
But I just got my new glasses and I can see again! I am reading the wall of diplomas in my eye doctors office and they are all from Daffy Duck University...I'm f*#ked!

A friend just called me to say that his bitch died.  As he never liked his wife it took me four minutes to realize that he was talking about his dog.

He must have thought I was nuts when I said that he should bury her with her mink coat

and a wedding photo.

Question: When should you engage a doctor in conversation?

Answer: When he is examining your breasts during a sonogram. I now know all about my radiologist's wife's dance classes, his exercise regimen

(including why arc trainers are better than treadmills),

his friend who is going out with a 30 year old patient and the four best places to eat next time I'm in Tuscany...I'm exhausted.

Question: When is a friend no longer a friend?

Answer: When they dare to say a disparaging thing about someone in your family. I can say anything I want about my relatives, but don't you dare open your stupid pie hole!

What do you do on the opening night of a Broadway show when you sit behind a friend who is the director and the show is not terrific? Last night I went to the opening of "Losing Louie" (and if you want to know what people thought of it, read the reviews).

My friend, Jerry Zaks, is a VERY talented, A-list director and he sat, as I've already mentioned, in front of me. I tried my damnedest to let him know that at least Row 8 was enjoying it by kicking the back of his seat, slapping him on the shoulder repeatedly, snorting heavily and letting out several full-out guffaws.

Apparently this did not help. But more than one critic claimed that he couldn't concentrate on the show because of the disgusting animal noises being emitted from the mid-section of the theatre.

I’ve been meaning to get back to this. Thursday night I went to the opening of  "A Chorus Line"
and it was unbelievably exciting!

All - and I mean ALL - of Broadway was there: actors, dancers, producers, choreographers, agents, etc. It was absolutely star studded with Rosie O'Donnell, Liza Minnelli, Sarah Jessica Parker, Rod Stewart and on and on and on.

The thing that I adored most about the evening was that the old, original cast from 30 years ago came back and they were cheering on the young, new cast (Well, at least semi-cheering. I’d be happy, but not THAT happy, to see someone else being applauded for a role that I created – actually I’d be pissed, but enough about shallow me).

Anyone who hasn't seen "A Chorus Line" should run - not walk - to see it. It's got heart and spirit and is done with the same choreography and arrangements as the original. 

And speaking of the original, the only person who is still alive from the first team of writers, directors and producers is Marvin Hamlish. He and his wife, Terri, were there in full fetal. They were having a great, great evening, as well they should have,  as everybody came over to pay homage. The score is sooo beautiful and it boggles my mind to think how young Marvin was when he wrote it (31).

I did "The View" this morning and I must say that the energy Rosie

brings to the show is phenomenal. I had sooo much fun and, as three of the four on the panel are old friends, we were talking so much that I didn't even get a chance to do some of the jokes that I really love:
 
Sex for an older woman is great for two reasons: 1. It's fun. 2. Having a man on top of you is a fabulous bone density test.
 
I have no sex appeal. I once said to Edgar, "What can I do to be better in bed?" He said, "Don't get in."
 
Everyone is on diets these days, there are more starving people in Los Angeles than Africa.

I'm doing "The View" tomorrow and among other things I am considering talking about are some of the pieces of advice my mother gave me that I'm not so sure I would give to Melissa. For example, I was once dating a transvestite and my mother said, "Marry him and you'll double your wardrobe."

Other things she told me were:

"You should only have sex with the person you love...or your husband."

"It's not necessary to go to bed with someone on the first date. The back seat of your car is just fine, if he's rich."

"Never wear satin. If a man wants to grab you, why be slippery?"

"Marry for money. Sex is the most beautiful and meaningful thing a woman can get paid for."

"Every girl should wait for the right man to come along, but, in the meantime, if she is smart, she'll get married."

"Many girls are able to find the perfect husband. The clever girl finds one who is a bachelor."

Last night I went to the opening of A Chorus Line, which I will come back to later, and one of the biggest producers on Broadway told me what I thought was a very funny joke:

 What did the Pope's mother tell him when he was a little boy?

                                                                                               "Look both ways before you cross."

Thank you American Airlines for ruining my life. I missed my show yesterday for BIG BUCKS.

I had to make it up by doing the finale, four hours after I was to appear on the red carpet, in order to get my check.

I ended up using a thousand dollar a night hotel room for three and a half hours. I had a surly Russian driver who was pissed because he couldn't get "Dasvidana Baby "on his AM radio.

I bumped into an old classmate who looked SO old in her stylish body bag. It's amazing what good tailoring can do.

Someone had f*#*ed around with the mini-bar and refilled the little gin bottles with water. Ever poured yourself a water and tonic at 1:00am?

And now some f*#*ing moron has decided to bring Chinese food on board my return flight at 5:00am. The entire cabin stinks like General Tso.

The weather looks good, but the pilot looks worried and the stewardess has just said, staring directly at me, "All pocketbooks (including Chanel) MUST go in the overhead bin."

There is a sneezer behind me and I have a feeling that the dry sandwich I bought at Starbucks is filled with E. coli lettuce as well as some mystery meat . (It’s edged in green and goes "CAW!").

Oh God, the sneezer has just turned into a cougher! What's next, projectile vomiting?

More later...

I've now been sitting on the runway for six hours in perfect weather. We've had lunch and our warm chocolate chip cookies, so there is nothing left except for the bathrooms to get dirtier and the mood to get uglier.

Businessmen are starting to whimper, Green Cards are expiring and one woman has absolutely gone through menopause. Her hot flashes were used to bake the above mentioned chocolate chip cookies. People in Coach have taken to eating one another.

My visions of the BIG BUCKS that I was going to Chicago for are quickly disappearing. I fear that I may have to return the Chanel bag that I bought with the money I thought I was going to earn from this. Winona Ryder is lucky in that she is not a pawn of the airlines and can keep what she "buys" no matter what the weather.

How I long for the wonderful diversion of the movie "Hoot." See blog entry dated September 17th.

   More to come...

I was woken up at 7 o'clock this morning to be told that if I wanted to get to Chicago, where I am scheduled to perform this afternoon for BIG BUCKS, I had better catch an earlier plane as Katrina or Schlamina is heading towards the already Windy City (and if it is so f*#*ing windy, how would they know?). I got to LaGuardia two hour early, got on the plane, left the gate, taxied out to the runway where I've been sitting ever since.

It is now four hours later and we are still sitting on the runway. The cheery captain with his a*#hole announcements like, "Well folks, it looks like it is going to be another forty minutes here, but how about those Mets?" is lucky he's behind a locked door.

I suddenly understand the mob rage against Mussolini and am stuffing the Captain's effigy as I type this. (Note to Martha Stewart, you can make a great effigy with wet airline magazines and plastic stirrers).

Here is how you pass four hours locked in a plane on the ground.

1. Get a sing a long competition going between First and Business of "Off we go into the wild, blue yonder. At 'em boys, give 'em the gun! Rat a tat tat!"

2. You have a water balloon contest with empty snack mix packets.

3. Fashion Show (our Steward won...amazing legs!)

4. As in any mob, one poor passenger ended up as "It" and we got to go through his overhead luggage which, amazingly, doesn't shift on the ground. It was so much fun distributing his stuff to the hordes. What surprises me is that you can get sex toys through security, but not toothpaste.

You've heard of Snakes on a Plane? Well, I wish this was Jew in the Air.

More to come...

Feeling silly today.

Did you know that Matt Damon and his female doppelganger Hilary Swank are rumored to be the same person?

This would make Chad Lowe a two time loser.

                                                        
Miss Swank & Mr. Damon have never been seen in the same room and, according to sources close to me, are scheduled to do a remake of the Betty Davis classic "Dead Ringer" in which she played twin sisters, one good and one evil.

The Karl Malden romantic lead will be played by Kathy Bates...God love her

     To each and every one of you who is reading this blog, Happy New Year.

May God write all of your names, Jews and Christians alike, in the Book of Life for the next year.

                                             Love,

                                                             Joan Rivers

Rumor has it that Russell Crowe wants to play Steve "the Crocodile Hunter" Irwin in a movie.

I wonder if a crocodile can be sedated by hitting it with a telephone?