This year, as usual, on the first night of Passover I am having Seder at my house for a large group of both relatives and friends. We’ll gather at my table, as we do every year, to soak up the traditions and customs (and apple cake) of Passover.

My favorite part of the evening is the asking and answering of the four questions which is very traditional and informative, but that got me thinking about answers I’d like to give.

Q: Why tonight do we eat no bread, only matzo?

A: Because, you pig, you inherited your mother’s big, fat thighs and you should lay off the carbs for at least one day every year.

Q: Why do we eat bitter herbs?

A: To get rid of the lousy aftertaste of my matzo balls.

Q: Why do we dip parsley and bitter herbs into salt water?

A: Because parsley and bitter herbs taste like crap; besides Jews are dumb – we never heard of salsa?

Q: Why do we lie on pillows instead of sitting in chairs?

A: Because I got these pillows 20% off at Bed, Bath and Beyond and I’m going to use them

Never mind about the answers, here are some QUESTIONS I’d like to ask my guests, but never will.

1. Will Elliott Spitzer’s wife dump him?
2. Did Demi Moore get a lot of work done?
3. If I have a yeast infection, am I kosher?

And then a couple of questions my guests would probably love to ask, but don’t.

1. Why did I come here?
2. How much longer is this going to take? Law and Order is coming on.

All kidding aside, Happy Passover, everyone! And if you are NOT Jewish, try eating a macaroon – they are delicious!