I watched bits of the Boston Marathon last Monday and was very impressed because I am in semi training for the New York City Marathon in November.

I know, I know, you’re going to say Jewish women don’t run marathons and that the only time they break a sweat is when someone says, “retail,” but I am determined to try it one more time.

I have run in the last four New York City Marathons. True, I didn’t win. The winners, if you check you local papers, are always foreigners from weird places like Uganda, Nepal and Reykjavik and the reason that these people win is because they are not running for prizes like the rest of us; they’re running to get away from the I.N.S.

Two years ago, I’m proud to say, out of 2,000 runners, I came in 1,334th (I should have come in 2,000th, but being the shopper that I am, I always get a third off).

 What a thrill it was to walk home wrapped in my Mylar blanket. Several people made remarks about me looking like a baked potato or a pig in a blanket, but I figured they were just jealous. I was very proud because the Marathon is 26 miles and I usually can’t ride in a limo for 26 miles without taking a rest.

How did I do it? Everyone knows that I’m not a natural athlete. I was always the last one to be picked for the team, the one the coach didn’t turn to in times of trouble. I was so bad, I was worse than Lou Gehrig after he died of Lou Gehrig’s Disease. It’s all about diet and exercise.

I have my own trainer, Frances, who is amazing. Every morning she yells at me, “Come on, Joan, you’re not too old! Bend over and touch your toe tag!” She makes me eat healthy foods with only good fats and insists that I cut down on eating meat. I can’t lie to you; this really annoys me because I think God wants us to eat meat. Why else would he have made animals so delicious?