Barbara Walters has just come out with a book that tells who she has slept with including actors, world leaders and just plain old rich men. Well I have a list too and though mine is not quite as glamorous as Barbara’s I am still proud of it:

Gumby

Mutt and Jeff

Gertrude Stein (while Alice was in the kitchen baking)

Ernest Hemingway (while Gert and Alice were in the kitchen washing the baking pan)

Harry S. Truman (who claimed that the buck stopped with me)

Anwar Sadat (who told me Barbara stank in bed)

And Mrs. Sadat (while Barbara was with Anwar).

Please excuse the slight break in my posting on the blog, but my assistants have deserted me!  Matt, has been away at Jazz Fest in New Orleans and Jocelyn, has been on Grand Jury duty.  No one is around to keep me on track but the payroll continues on as usual.

Matt saw a lot of different music at Jazz Fest and around the clubs in New Orleans at night. He saw and loved a Cajun/Celtic punk group called the Zydepunks, a blues singer named Bettye LaVette, the legendary Kermit Ruffins, Bonerama, Trombone Shorty, Steel Pulse, The Roots and has been boring me to tears with stories all day. When he started to tell me who he didn’t like, I perked right up. According to Matt, Stevie Wonder had a dull, flat, lifeless set. I think the problem was that the macramé planter on the back of Stevie’s head was clanking around so much that he couldn’t hear himself sing.

Here is what Jocelyn has been doing on the Grand Jury; so far she has sent 12 twelve bank robbers, 8 rapists, 5 hookers, 2 pickpockets, 1 mail frauder and 12 grifters to trial and, more than that, she has totally convinced her fellow jurors that we should go back to the old ways of branding, drawing and quartering, burning at the stake and, of course, all accused witches will be dunked.

Last week I was taping the second episode of Z Rock (a new sitcom I am in which premieres September 7 on IFC which is about a rock band called “Z02” that is trying to make it) and the theme of this episode was “second chances”. The show is totally creative and funny. It is mainly ad-libbed and we are all having a great time improvising.

Anyhow, the producers asked me in one scene to explain to the boys (three adorable musicians named Paulie Z, David Z and Joey Cassata) why second chances are so rare in life and should be jumped at. I made up several “second chance” scenarios for them to pick from and as they made me laugh, I thought I’d pass them on to you.

Made up “Second Chance” Story #1:

One night when I was hosting the Tonight Show Charo was a guest and she came on to play two songs on her classic flamenco guitar. Charo messed up the first song so badly and was so upset that when she came off stage she punched a wall and broke her flamenco finger. But, trooper that she is, Charo went out to do her second song with the broken finger and, guess what? A miracle happened! She played the second song worse which made her so mad that she shouted out, “Cuchie-cuchie.” America adored the “Cuchie-cuchie” Charo so much that she went on to be the most frequently recurring guest star on The Love Boat!!

Made up “Second Chance” Story #2:

Katie Couric had a dream all of her life and that dream was to be a Serious Television Journalist and host the national evening news. Instead, Katie ended up on the Today Show where her career skyrocketed, but she was never truly happier than when she finally got her big chance and was offered the job to host the CBS Evening News. A second chance! But, unfortunately, Katie screwed it up and is now leaving her dream job, but that’s not the point. The point is that Katie got her second chance!

I used to do a lot of jokes on being superstitious and here are a few of my favorites:

Never wear musk oil to the San Diego Zoo.

Never walk under a black cat.

Never sneeze into a fan.

And never see “Gone With the Wind” with a slave.

                       Here are some of my real superstitions:

Never put a hat on a bed – I don’t know why, but that is what my mother said.

Never put your purse on the floor – the money will leave you.

Don’t over verbalize how good things are going because God might just take it away from you.

Never say what great time you’re making during a car trip, save it for when you reach your destination.

Never go on a trip to China with Olivia Newton-John because you won’t see a check at the end.

What are some of your superstitions?

I have just spent the last few days with Cooper and Melissa and maybe I’m getting older, but each time we are together it gets better and better and better. Cooper is now at the age – 7- where he is really tough to beat at Tic Tac Toe, can smack a mean baseball and gets a lot of the same jokes that make me laugh (please note my maturity level). One of our favorite jokes this weekend was, “Do you know the weather report for Mexico City, Grandma?” “No, tell me the weather report for Mexico City, Coop.” “Chili tonight and Hot Tamale.”

Melissa has NEVER looked better, is so smart on subjects I know nothing about and reads everything. I think she actually likes having me as a mother…most of the time.

Being very superstitious I don’t want to say any more nice things about them because I am scared if I say too much more I will jinx this, the best thing in my life. I just want to end this by saying – if you’re listening, God - that Cooper is a rotten, little brat and Melissa is a JAP Princess. Did that satisfy you, God? Does that get me off the hook?

I am very superstitious and my next blog will be on superstitions.