Here is a very funny opinion piece by Lenore Skenazy that ran in the New York Sun a couple of weeks ago, preparing us all for the tough times ahead. (Click on the link above for the entire article.)

She tells us all how to spot the impending economic doom! A few of my favorites are:

#9 Your Gucci bag is spelled with an extra “c.”

#17 You brag about your new Apple, then go home and eat it.

# 44 Instead of Botox, you experiment with grout.

           Can you think of any more?

A while back, I walked the Great Wall of China with my friend Olivia Newton John and we did it for cancer.

This was very stupid as I didn’t really do anything special. I walk anyway! So, now I’m suggesting we start doing everyday bodily movements and functions in the name of charity, such as:

Eating for diabetes

Sitting for piles

Breathing for TB

                Slouching for osteoporosis

              Farting for diverticulitis

This way, we can all be more charitable in our daily lives. From now on, when I fart, instead of saying, “excuse me,” I’ll say, “that one’s for Make-a-Wish.”

(My wish being that I can eat all of the fried onions I want to!)

OK...while I've been in Scotland I've been writing jokes that I think the Scottish people can understand.  Such as:
 
·       My breasts are like the Loch Ness Monster…

                …no one can prove they exist. 

             …nobody can seem to find them.

 ·       My boobs have dropped so far, I can nurse the Lowlands from the Highlands. 

·       I am the ugliest woman in Scotland.  I put the ‘hag’ into haggis. 

·       Sex?  At my age?  I won’t even blow a set of bagpipes. 

·       I am so fat, Scotland named a town after my thighs.  Flaberdeen.

 ·       Wrinkles?  Before plastic surgery, my face had more lines on it than a clan tartan.
 

·       I have no sex appeal.  The Loch Ness Monster saw me naked and drowned himself. 

The joke is the Scottish people have a great sense of humor and get EVERYTHING and don't need stupid local references.  Go figure-another half day of work gone to waste!!!

I just got a call from my assistant in New York, telling me some unbelievable news.

It seems that Max, my nine-year-old Pekingese, and Samantha, my Havanese puppy, have been (GASP!) getting along.        

Of course, this has all taken place right after I left for Edinburgh, leading me to believe that either A) my assistant is lying to me or B) I was the one standing in the way of my dogs’ peace treaty.

Regardless, Max spent all of yesterday with Sam in the kitchen. She’s going through an annoying barking phase at the moment, but Max just sat there tolerating it and rolling his big eyes at her rather than trying to bite her on the face, shuffling off to sit behind a door or peeing on something very expensive.

Now here’s the part I simply can’t believe I missed: they actually played nicely together!

After their walk outside, Max and Sam were allowed to run around the house. Sam loves to fetch tennis balls while Max usually just sits there and watches her sprint back and forth with one in her mouth, over and over again. This time, however, he got in on the action and went after the ball a couple of times himself. (Someone must have rubbed it with a piece of dark meat turkey.) Max even wrestled with Sam and, with unprecedented dominance and resolve, pinned her down for a few seconds. His doggie diaper even stayed on during the whole thing!

 I always knew my little Max could be a “top” if he put his mind to it.